Non-stop Non-sense

A long break

2007-11-29T08:43:00.000+04:00

A very big 'Hi' to all my friends out there. I have missed you all. Very badly. I have missed blogging here. Missed every little happiness I got in here. Here which is my world.

How have you been Adarsh? How have you been my sweet friend Godiva? How have you been Nayan? How have you been Ginni?

Now for you all to know, I have been fine. Living dual lives. I think I had told you about a different blog that I maintain. I blog there. But its nothing like this one. Non-stop non-sense is something really sweet. Isnt it? It was my daily life, my thoughts, my happiness, my Rehan, each one of you, my sorrows and lots of naughtiness of Bebo ;)

I hope to continue blogging here. If not regularly, atleast once in a while.

And oh yes! I forgot. Rehan is getting married on 26th of December- 'The day after Christmas' is how he said it. Probably saying it to others as well :)

Nothing more, nothing less.

Forever,

Bebo

Diamond-Man's best friend!

2007-04-30T11:42:00.000+04:00

These robbers bloody got no fashion sense man! Look at the kinda jewellery they have stolen. Chi!

Hmmm…Can’t blame-they are men!

After all diamonds worth 50 million Dirhams. No man can think of his girlfriend and no way of his wife.

Men in black again!

2007-04-22T16:42:00.000+04:00

Will you believe? Read this.

No INSAF for Al Insaf Jewellery. Hehe..

Embrasse-moi

2007-04-17T10:06:00.000+04:00

Hehe…Hehe…Can’t stop hehe… Mulla is angry. You know why? Because someone kissed Shilpa Shetty.

Me: ‘But why are you getting angry?’

Mulla: ‘No, I am not angry. But just wondering why these media is making a fuss about it?’

Me: ‘Because she wants it.’

Mulla: ‘They come into film industry for this only, everyone knows it. Then why make fuss?’

Before this topic it was the Wafi city (a luxurious shopping mall of Dubai) robbery case.

Well, it made me think too. With this incident Dubai will soon be a 100% HOME AWAY FROM HOME for all Indians.

Mulla mere mulla mere

2007-04-12T15:07:00.000+04:00

Hmmm...I was reading my older posts-the very first ones. They are so funny. Now don’t think I am boasting. Well, if you thought so you also need to understand that when I read through the posts I felt as if I was reading somebody else’ blog. I just didn’t feel that it was all my work. The simplicity was something that I noticed. Have I lost it now? Do you think? :-(

Something or the other-I don’t know reading those initial posts of mine about my Bihari ex-colleagues (now) made me hum a song. Guess! Guess! Ok its ‘Kajra re kajra re…tere kaare kaare naina’. They loved that song. It was a hit in Bihar I guess. Hehe.. How bad I am isn’t it? I left that company and I am still so good at making fun of them. Sheesh! Bebo is a bad girl…Bebo is a bad girl…

The colleagues here at my new office are not any less but not to the Bihari extent anyways. You get what I mean right? Well, they are only few. Calculate He + He + Me + She + 6 other youngsters in the warehouse. It’s actually a big team but in 4 different offices.

There is a mallu guy here who is very obsessed with ‘Maula mere maula mere’ song. He listens to it all time and watches its video on google. And what not he even got it on his mobile as the ring tone. One day when I was searching for a new song to play on pc he came up and asked me to play ‘Mulla mere mulla mere’. I wanted to burst out into laughter but controlled because I was new here. I don’t know why I end up having so many funny people around at my work place.

I might not know but my colleagues might be thinking the other way.

Bitter truths smiling at me

2007-03-26T12:43:00.000+04:00

Looking at my blog I feel pity just the way I feel for myself sometimes. Was going through one of my very first posts. What a difference isn’t it? Everything changed. My attitude, outlook, my problems, my Rehan, lifestyle, thoughts, wants everything has changed so much. Now I got only problems to mention on blog. And trust me I am fed up writing about it.

‘Forget everything Bebo! Imagine you are in Rehan’s arms. You can feel heaven.’ I keep telling this to myself when I cannot control my tears at times.

At the moment I have so many thoughts on mind. I cant really sort it priority wise. So let me just type and type and type.

Some things that I noticed and realized thoroughly:

Firstly that I NEVER spoke (wrote) nonsense.

Secondly I AM going through a very bad stage of life which is not at all in my favor. Why I specified this is because I hardly realized or tried to accept my problems as something that is unusual. It always seemed to me as something that I thought happened with everyone else-though not to all but to most. But no! My problems are really strange. There is something seriously wrong with either me or with that man. I thought my love for Rehan was a reason, I thought I didn’t want to accept that man in my life, I thought I was wrong and that my mother was right, I thought things would change with time, I thought I was not capable of convincing people, I thought I just had to eat, work and sleep and life would just move on. Probably that’s where I went wrong.

Thirdly that I am EXTREMELY LONELY and I have NO SUPPORT apart from the people who recognize me as Bebo. Support in the maximum they could give. I appreciate and believe me it really helps me stand alone.

People might thinkof how weak I am, always speaking problems, always crying, always sad. Well, what I wish to tell these people is that I AM sad, situation are making me weak, I cry because it is a relief to me and I speak my problems to you because people who actually should be listening are not ready to listen. I am not blaming but realizing truths, accepting it and putting it down in words for some kind of satisfaction I get out of doing so.

Even when matters were getting worse, things went out of control, I had to face the ruthless (in every sense you could imagine) behavior of that man I did not want to blame anyone for the circumstances. Not even myself. Yes, I certainly didn’t want it this way, though I expected things to be normal and not abnormal. Isn’t it very normal to expect so much atleast?

Feeling much relieved now. The above mentioned are not just some words or lines, it speaks all what I have been carrying like a weight in my heart. Feel like I just spoke to a very close friend. Blogging does help-atleast for Bebo.

Logics....hmmm....

2007-03-19T15:33:00.000+04:00

"I dont know why, my logics never work in your case."

His logics didnot work in her case too....

Now.....

Now I wonder if his logics ever worked with anyone.

Or perhaps his logics never existed.

I just dont care...I just dont care...

2007-03-17T15:30:00.000+04:00

Just loved this song....Check it out here.

Bebo's gona be fine.

2007-03-11T10:42:00.000+04:00

"Hi dear. I read your blog. Dont feel so low. Just not saying it in words doesnt mean he has stopped loving you. Nobody can just stop loving someone. Emotions are not switches which can be turned on and off. Love cant end just like that. He's just not saying it at the moment. Even he's in a new situation now, maybe he's confused as what to do , what to say. Give him some time. and all the time that you give him it'll be very tough for you, but you'll have to be strong. Rehan is yours... He'll always ....."

"Hi Bebo.... Kaisi ho...."

"I love you- not saying those 3 words doesnt mean he doesnt love you any more. Be strong Bebo.... Be very strong dear and I'm here for you."

I might be desperate to listen to those 3 sweet words from the one I love the most...

but the words-from-heart from those who care about me makes me feel as special as I can ever feel. I proudly call them my friends-not just friends but SPECIAL friends.

They know and only wants to know about Bebo and her feelings. Nothing else.

I cannot feel lonely even if I wish to-That says it all.

I need a break..badly..

2007-03-08T08:49:00.000+04:00

It is Rehan’s Birthday today. I called him to wish him as soon as I got to office. We spoke for a while and then he called me ‘baby’. I knew he wasn’t calling me. He calls me ‘bebo’ not ‘baby’. I have found myself calling the other man in my life ‘jaan’ on so many occasions on the contrary. See how things are with different people. Anyways for me his happiness is most important and if he is happy with the life he is leading now I am happy too. I have no complains, no hope that he would come back to me, no demands nothing. But I couldn’t understand why he said that he was missing me. I really couldn’t understand.

I am trying a lot to change myself-my outlook towards life. The doctor said that I am mentally fine and I don’t need to expect too much from others. That really clicked my mind. I should not expect. And so these days I have been trying to be quite-talk very less, engage myself completely in work-though I rarely can concentrate, engage a lot in cooking when I reach home and then to avoid the other important thing of married life- I read books so seriously that no one would dare to disturb. You know who NOONE is.

For Rehan's eyes(The eyes that I love):

'Happy Birthday Jaan! Missing you very badly.'

Tere pyar mein aise jiyein hum...

2007-03-05T08:33:00.000+04:00

Tu ek baar jo pyaar se mujhko chuley tho har zakhm bhar jayegaa,
Zara ithzaa sun ke dewaane dil ki mujhe apne dilse lagaa...
Tere pyar mein aise jiyein hum,
Jala hain yeh dil....
Yeh ankhen hue Nam..

Bas Ek Pal...

He's gone...Gone far from me....

2007-03-04T09:50:00.000+04:00

He refused to say ‘I love you’ for the first time last evening. I am broken. Completely. He went to his hometown for a short leave of 1 week. Met a girl whom his parents chose. He spoke to her and fell in love with her. And got engaged. Now he is back here.

“Jaan, why are you worried? I am just going for a week. Will be back soon na?”

“Jaan, I love you and nothing can change it. You know the truth then why are you worried?”

“Jaana, I love you forever.Will love you always.”

And so many other words that pulled myself towards him in everyway. I could never think of being dishonest to him even if I had to with the other man in my life. Now in a gap of 3 days of knowing that female he is in love with her. And thinks he will be cheating her if he meets me or calls me or even mails me. Main kya bolu? What and how should I explain what I am feeling?

I am finding it really hard to believe that he doesn’t even want to say that he loves me. I really don’t know how to express. I have gone extremes to make him happy and to make him feel that I have always been his Bebo and loves him just the way I loved him and probably a little more. Meeting him, calling him, kissing him, loving him, caring him, hugging him, mailing him everything as I used to do. Wont you call it sick about a female who is literally cheating her husband and not even feeling a bit guilty about it?

The fact is that I love him lot and I never wanted him to feel that I had changed. He is mine. He is a part of me. Who can think of cutting a part of one’s body separate? I could never and will never be able to cut him off from my life. I love with all my heart and soul. This blog itself is a proof of it and it was a promise that I will keep blogging as his Bebo who loves him madly. I am his Bebo. I am still his same Bebo.

A promise that we made each other before my marriage-That we will be there for eachother in all circumstances of life. He assured me that he cannot love any other person in his life apart from me. I thought the same and proved it right to him. Infact proving it right to him, though my love for him is not about proving. But I used to tell him that he being a person whom I know very thoroughly he would not be able to love me once there is another female in his life. I know him in and out. I know he is not as bad as I am. He is good at heart and not a person who knows how to cheat and be dishonest to people who love him. I knew he is going far from me. Very far from me.

As always an escapist-My Rehan-My love of life-Mera jaan-Mera jaanu-My everything. Always ran away from my tough questions. And now I don’t want to demand anything to him. I love him. I mean it with all my heart.

In middle of Nowhere

2007-03-03T14:21:00.000+04:00

Once again I find myself standing in middle of nowhere. Not a new place to me. I have started loving the place-Nowhere. A place which gives me shelter and comfort when I feel lonely. When thoughts don’t turn up. When I am lost. When I cannot breathe. I love to be in middle of nowhere. Stuck with nothing. Not lone even though I find no one else there.

Turning into a full time pyscho, forget occassioanl violence or call it hysteria. A person who needs extreme care (occassionally depends on status of mind) to deal with. A person who may not mind hurting you with her nails, tear your shirt, pull your hair or even bite your neck.

I bang the keyboard. I cannot speak. I cannot cry in middle of Invoices and Planning file. I hit hard my palms on the table to say what I wish to say- “Yes! Bloody there is something wrong with me.Something bloody wrong with me.”

I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. Even when I expect to not to feel when I am in middle of Nowhere.

What's wrong with me?

2007-03-03T13:54:00.000+04:00

I want to be emotional.
Edit nothing.
Not even emotions.
Type with tears falling countlessly.

I wish I could cry a little more.

People lately have started questioning “What’s wrong?”. No! I donot have an strange birth mark on my forehead like Nish of ‘Sultry Days’. But this is exactly what people ask. Why? What do they find wrong with me? Why do people sense out that something is wrong with me?

“Everytime I talk to you over the phone you sound as if your not happy. What’s wrong?”
Accounts Manager (Main office)

“Hi! Can you tell me if you got the March Price List on your mail?”

Me: “No, I havent received the mail.”

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
Product Manager (Main office)

Well, what is wrong with me? I wonder. I cannot guess. Cannot assume.

I am turning mad.That’s all what I can say.

To all who are concerned about me, I met a psychatrist last evening.

Call it counselling or whatever. I am not supposed to over react to anything anymore.

Somebody pls listen...Iam crying out of pain...

2007-03-03T10:48:00.000+04:00

What do I say? What am I feeling right now? What I am doing? What am I hearing? What is that I thinking?

I dont know. I just dont know. And the fact is I dont WANT to know.

Rehan got engaged.

My heart split into two. Exactly into equals. Bleeding. Very badly. I knew this wud happen. But I am feeling wat I am feeling and just cant stop feeling that way. My tears, my pain how do I share it? Why should I share it with anyone? How do I explain?

I know nothing except that I am not in my senses and I am typing some nonsense-Nonstop.

Non-stop Non-sense.

The death of this blog is not very far.

Can you?

2007-02-21T08:50:00.000+04:00

Who can promise me a better life?

If a woman wants you...

2007-02-20T18:26:00.000+04:00

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesnt want you, nothing can make him stay.

If a woman wants you then your gone man!

Silent tears and...

2007-02-11T13:31:00.000+04:00

Silent tears and....

and a lost mind....

I am back!

I am going...

2007-01-13T15:42:00.000+04:00

Just a week left for me. I am going to India this week. If anybody doesn’t know I am going for my marriage. Don’t know how life is going to be after marriage. Even after 4 months of knowing him (my fiancé) I still don’t know him and I am getting into marriage for whatever reason. I am feeling very sad. Don’t ask me why. Only time I am happy is when I am with Rehan. When I talk to him I forget every sorrows, regrets, hatred every other negative emotions.

Anyways…anyways…anyways…I know I have to think positive and keep smiling and so will try level best to be so. And anyways me and Rehan never expected anything more than what is happening. Just that like every other human we are also finding it hard to digest the fact that we can never be lovers as we are now.

The new job of mine is really keeping me busy. And I am sure it will even in future. May or may not blog before I leave for India. Still hoping I would as soon as I am back at work.

For Rehan's eyes (the eyes that I love):

I love you lot jaan...Please tc of urself till I come back. Muah!

Party time!

2007-01-07T16:53:00.000+04:00

Blogging after a very long time. Before anything I want to wish everyone who reads my blog a very Happy New Year!

It has been long I didn’t blog. Sometimes when I am lonely and sometimes when I am in middle of a crowd I feel like writing down my thoughts which I thought I could post on my blog. But I dont really do it. I would just let the time pass by doing nothing but staring into my far away dream life with Rehan. Hehe… How silly hain na?

If anybody not aware of the fact -I was working for a company where the staff were all from one remote state of India. Guess? Ok one clue-you won’t find genuinely literate people in this state. Imagine working with the illiterate babus. Hehe…Anyways..It was Rehan’s (more than mine) dream to find a good job where I could learn more and earn more and be really busy. And yes I got a job all unexpected. A really challenging, highly paid (taken my qualifications & experience because here guys with engineering degree + MBA from UK are paid the same), cool colleagues, no cheap politics, no back biting, all fun and more than anything a job that will give me no time to entertain worthless thoughts.

It happened this way that when I was in a job hunt way back months I had registered my CV on every recruitment agency of Dubai. I got a call for an interview which I had passed luckily (and unexpected). Later the second interview and finally appointed. Only minus is that the office is at Jebel Ali. Too far from the city of Dubai. Calculating the traffic of Dubai it would take 3 hours travel in a day (1 hour morning & 2 in the evening). If there’s an accident on any other road of Dubai it affects the entire traffic and in that case calculate 4 hours or above. But still I am really happy because Rehan is happy.

He is so happy that he won’t mind throwing a party at the Burj Al Arab.

Alright! Alright.If not Burj Al Arab then Grand Hyatt. Ok?

Love is forever...

2006-12-24T10:21:00.000+04:00

I will always love him....Always....

Rehan's 'Sawaal'

2006-12-13T12:41:00.000+04:00

Rehan's part.

Mere seene mein dharkte hue dil se poochu
yeh dharkan kiski hai?

Mere aankhoon mein base chehree ko deekho
yeh tasweer kiski hai?

Mere lawzoon mein chupi hue batoon ko samjho
yeh tareef kiski hai?

Mere hathoon ko chooti hue hawaa se poochu
yeh khushboo kiski hai?

Mere kanoon mein ghulti hue ehsaas ko samjhoo
yeh muskurahat kiski hai?

Mujhko dekho logoon our bataoo mujhko
yeh jaaaan kiski hai?

Dikhta to main kuch our hoon, pahchaano mujhko
yeh pehchaaan kiski hai?

Sawaaloon mein uljha hua diwaana hoon main....
Sawaaloon pe sawaal karta hua Rehan hoon main....

Once again-Absolutely myself.

2006-12-13T12:25:00.000+04:00

Today again I wish to be all myself. My last post was not really meant to hurt someone very special to me. I wrote what I felt only from my viewpoint. It had hurt Rehan very badly not because of anything else but because I put him in the group of two people who were bad-never good to me. And I hope I don’t need to explain to my friends here that I didn’t mean to hurt him. I was only writing down my mind-my thoughts.

Basically, I was trying to point out three reason that helped me change my attitude towards life and which made me stronger. They two must be bad but Rehan can never be bad to me. I felt ditched. I might feel it again. I don’t see anything wrong. Be it Rehan’s fault or mine-our love did not succeed. I blame myself sometimes and blame Rehan sometimes. But whatever our love did not succeed into a bonding for life time.

For Rehan: “Honestly tell me. Don’t you feel ditched sometimes?”
That should answer all your questions and calm you.

He is happy that I am mentally much strong now and trying hard to be completely independent. He loves me lot and I love him too. I still want to tell him the same things that I told him over the phone.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are one of the few experiences that I had in life which helped me be strong and you should be proud of it. It’s not anyone else but your Bebo who has written that post. Feel the change in her. Read the strength in her through her words. Are you not happy?”

My friends on the blog have always supported me. They have only thought the way I thought because I have only explained to them my thoughts through my blog. It must be true that they are only analysing my part. But I am also sure when I write CERTAIN posts they all know it that it is one of the many outbursts of mine beacuse they also know how much I love Rehan and I cannot write something purposely to hurt him.

Don’t you know it?

Absolutely myself

2006-12-11T13:41:00.000+04:00

I know how I have been in my life till date. I have always cared and loved people who showed love to me. Be their love true or not. I have listened to them made them happy and showered them with all my love and care. But ever after Rehan & Jeeju matter I have changed my outlook towards life entirely. I have started feeling ashamed of myself for not being a strong headed person with independent thoughts, adamant (to others) but to self being proud of having a strong sense of right and wrong. I realize I have been independent ever since I have started earning and doing my things myself financially. If not independent in any other sense but definitely in the way I think. I went wrong in some chapters of life where I blindly trusted and loved some people who did never deserve it though. But I had let them over rule me with help of my weakness. Be it my own Jeejaji or Rehan or even that bitch-Jaz (A used-to-be best friend of mine) all have taken advantage of my weak points. I cannot help but consider all three in one group for whatever reason I feel is right and no one dare to change my attitude please. I feel cheated in case one, ditched in the other and exploited in the third.

Jaz got her things done through me and did nothing in return except spreading rumors about me out jealously, I assume. What else could be the reason otherwise? It all happened in a row to me like a coincidence, with sufficient time gap. And so many other matters that I would like to deliberately ignore. I can find myself changing for good. It only means changing for my own good. Just want to selfish. Nothing on earth can dare to change my perspective because I am no more what I have been or what you have seen. I am me. I am what I always wished to be. An attitude like this does help a lot because I feel frozen even when I listen to words like:

“Tumne ek bar bhi call nahi kiya”

Frozen I feel because it doesn’t make any difference to me not even a slight change in my facial expression. That’s what I said I have changed myself-my outlook-my priorities-my weakness everything. I don’t cry anymore. That is something I am really happy about because I feel the satisfaction of being strong and not letting emotions dominate my body. My mind rules it now. Heart has no value and the thing is I never tried to peep into know what is happening in there.

I strongly feel that I should only do what my mind says ATLEAST from now on. And yes I don’t need anyone to bother about my well being because I know can very well take care of myself.

My best wishes to all who helped me be strong at the most crucial phase of my life and cement my perceptions to lead a better life ahead. Once again all the best!

Aapki marzi se to sara aalam hai..

2006-12-04T14:52:00.000+04:00

Aapki marzi se to sara aalam hai..
Chand ka nikalna badal se,
Zulfoon ka urna aapke rukhsaar se,
Aise mein jo aapka deedaar ho, jeene ki tamanna phir ek baar ho.

Aapki marzi se to sara aalam hai..
Hawa ka chalna, barish ka hoona, phoola ka khilna.
Sara aalam baithe hai aapke intezaar mein,
Aise mein jo aapka dedaar ho, jeene ki tamanna phir ek baar ho.

Lines from a mail I got from Rehan

Dubai you look so sexy

2006-12-03T17:16:00.000+04:00

I was tagged by Adarsh sometime back about the superstitions I believe in. I haven’t completed it till date. Now keep reading to know how lazy I have been for 2 days. Not my fault. The climate is so cold and beautiful here.

Last 2 days- Friday & Saturday:

Friday is weekday here in Dubai. Had an off as usual. Saturday was the 35th National Day of UAE and so I had another off. The best thing about the holiday was that it was raining heavily. I love rain. I love it so much. I didn’t do anything interesting apart from standing the balcony and enjoying the rain all myself. I stood there for so long that I don’t even remember. My feet & hands were frozen. Yeah! The tip of my nose was also cold. The roads were flooded. I could see people walking in the street with umbrella. I came know that it was not possible to even drive in Sharjah & Ajman. The roads flooded with rain water. Today, the weather is cold, the sky is clouded and dark but it’s not raining.

Guess one thing that I hate to do when it is raining and love to do the same when it is not. Listening to the radio. I just can’t tolerate when the RJs ask the callers about the weather. I feel like they were waiting for something like this to happen so they get a topic to talk about for weeks. Aaj subha it was not raining still that female on 106.2 hum fm was asking all kinda silly questions to a caller. ‘Do you like the rain?’ ‘Are you enjoying it?’ ‘Did you go out in the rain?’ ‘Did you get wet in the rain?’ and all other nonsense. I wonder if the RJ is reading my blog or not. Otherwise how can she speak NONSENSE and that too NONSTOP? Hmmm…I remember the caller asked for the song ‘Oh, Priya Priya’-an old no. Ok! I was not really listening to it but my colleague who was driving was the in–charge of the radio.

Adarsh, I need some more time to think of the superstitions mainly for the reason that I don’t believe in God. When I don’t believe in God you can’t expect me to believe in superstitions. Hain na? But there must be one or two which I really want to mention here on my blog. Lets see. Gimme some time, till then I will enjoy the romantic, wet & cold weather of Dubai-One of the best cities in the world. I'm lovin' it!

Celebrity Profile

2006-11-27T13:30:00.000+04:00

A part from a Celebrity's profile:

here for: friends, activity partners, business networking, dating (women)

living: with roommate(s), friends visit often, party every night

turn ons: candlelight, flirting

Celebrity afterall! If not in real life but definetely in here.

Added Later:

Profile edit karne se kya hoga Mr. Celebrity?

4.00 pm

The eye surgery was successful. Zooni is not blind anymore.

What a loser am I?

2006-11-26T14:43:00.000+04:00

I hate to let leave my confidence. I want to screw his life. He should never dare to even think of putting any one else in trouble ever in his life. But lately I have been thinking, practically what is that I can do to him? He has spoiled my life. He loved watching me cry day and night. He enjoyed my romance with my boyfriend. I know now. He is the one. But what is that I can do to him? What did I do even after knowing that it’s him? Just let him do it. Even now let him be good in the eyes of every one else in the family. Let him come to my house and I cook Chinese noodles for him for dinner. Let him screw my life and dump me like garbage into the life of another person.

Forget about everything else. Forget about the past. Right now I am doing nothing else but just acting in front of everyone. Like a doll. Like a puppet I feel. My fiancé, my sisters, my mom all love me more now because I act the way they want. When I got engaged and started understanding the type of person my fiancé is I thought I would never change myself. I thought I will make him accept me the way I am if not today or tomorrow but definitely some day. But no my Jeeju has put me such a bloody situation that it all seems like a challenge to me, to love my fiancé and act in front of him. It sucks. Trust me. It sucks big time. I am just a doll with which everyone would like to play. But where has my confidence gone? I am sure. I can’t do anything. I cannot even give Jeeju a day’s tension in his life. He is great. I admire him now for playing such a clever game with me, with a girl whom he understood very well, whom he knew even if she ever comes to know that it was him, she would not be able to do anything to him. He didn’t even think of the difficulties she had to face leading a young life without the help of her father. He is the real man. A man the world would love. A man my sister loves. A man she thinks is smart and clever. Haha…

I love it!

2006-11-20T17:06:00.000+04:00

It is drizzling in Dubai. Beautiful! I love the weather-cool under dark sky.

2006-11-19T15:53:00.000+04:00

Before posting this I was really wondering if it is possible to mention my very feelings in words or not and even if I did my best if anyone who reads can feel my pain or not. With all these doubts on mind I still posted a sensitive issue concerned with none but me is because I cannot keep it in mind all alone any longer. I am feeling very helpless & weak. I am sure I have not mentioned every single matter in the post not because I don’t want to but it is not possible. For that either I have to be in a different mood or I should have to be extremely dirty like my Jeeju.

I am in a very strange state of mind. A guilt feeling haunting me all day & night-why did I trust him? And even if I did why did he take advantage of my trust in him? The thought of he following me from office to college, watching my private moments with Rehan, pleasure he had in mind when I cried uncontrollably, when I got tensed and so many more. What ultimately did he want from me?

Can't find an appropriate title

2006-11-19T15:10:00.000+04:00

For a week now I have been completely stunned of something really terrible that happened to me. I thought a lot. I wanted to think well before putting it on my blog because I wanted some time to decide if I should post it or learn to forget the matter and move on with other stuffs happening with me. But I made up my mind today. I am going to post it here. I want to share it with all who reads my blog. Let all my feelings- anger, disgust, self pity, hatred, sorrows, helplessness, pain, tears gush into my world of Non Sense.

Perhaps this is going to be the longest post in history of my blog.

It was in the month of November, 2005 that I shifted to my elder sister’s house which is also in Dubai. During the stay I & Jeeju became very close. He became a good friend & a brother I always wished for but never had in real life. We started talking on phone regularly. He was so encouraging that all of a sudden I started feeling more confident about myself. Those were the days of my life when I was not very close with my sisters or mom. I used to be busy with office & college all day (9.30 am to 10.00 pm ). I never used get time to talk to mum or sisters. And then I felt comfortable with my jeeju who used to keep a check on me all day when mom was not really bothered at all. I was very happy to find a loving & caring brother in Jeeju.

On the other side, it was the most wonderful days of my life with Rehan. We used to meet up regularly and used to have a lot of fun. One day I was on my way to college with Rehan when jeeju caught us together. He was so very upset that day that his voice trembling when he was talking to me. He caught me by hand and put me in car and we moved to his office which was in Sheik Zayed Road (quiet far from my college). While in the car I was very shocked & couldn’t utter a word. But he told me about how he got anonymous messeges on his mobile phone about me and Rehan. He showed me all the long messages he got on his cell, which was quiet vulgar and about the things that me and Rehan did in our privacy. I felt ashamed & cried like hell. I could not look in his eyes out of guilt.

At his office he questioned me all vulgar things that I never ever wanted to answer especially to a person who was a like a brother to me. I was sincere & didn’t lie on anything that he asked. But he did not believe my words. Finally, I swore on my dad who is no more on this earth and also on jeeju keeping my right hand on his head. Did everything to prove that our (Rehan’s & mine) love was so pure that we gave no importance for physical pleasure in our entire love period. Though we got hundred of chances privately for doing anything we wanted we have always utilized it sharing our thoughts, fights, kissing, hugging and telling each other how much we love. Neither I ever thought of sex with him nor he ever asked for it. We were so very lost in our own world of love that we never bothered about such big matters. In fact, it is still a big matter to both of us. Or maybe the other reason I mentioned love making as ‘sex’ is because we both thought ‘sex’ to be ‘sex’ and not really love making.

Back to topic, so the type of situation I was in those days I used to feel so guilty of the fact that my Jeeju had come to know about my love affair & he has even known my private matters with Rehan too. I used cry and cry those days. For a month (June) I & Jeeju kept on investigating on the anonymous person who was harassing me with threatening messages. It even said once that I should not get married to any guy or else the next sms would be send to my eldest brother in law’s mobile. This killed me even more because he is so elderly in our family that I never joke around with him or even talk to him unnecessarily. I hate to think of those days I spent without sleeping but only crying all day all night. Whenever I saw Jeeju’s names appearing on my cell I used to sweat thinking of what the next sms has informed him about me.

One day I and jeeju spoke on phone for so long that we decided we should find out the anonymous person. He said he spoke to some laywer whom he knew about the same. The lawyer said that the person who is sending anonymous sms would be caught on spot and given heavy punishment because harassing women is big crime in Dubai. We thought it to be one of the many guys who tried to propose me at college and whom I rejected on the first go. Not only did I reject but I never gave a shit for the guys of my college ever since that because every guy who came up boldly to talk me always ended with a love proposal. I hate them & I never bothered to even give them a glance. We thought they were angry with me because of my attitude. We thought it to be one of them who felt jealous of me and Rehan and wanted my jeeju to know of all these matters so that everything comes to an end. Then my thoughts diverted to my ex-boyfriends, two of them who were not in touch with me after the break up but then I could not stop doubting them. I somehow got the details of my ex to inform my Jeeju.

One night I bunked college and left to spy on this ex of mine along with my Jeeju in his car. He was so concerned of me that he wanted me to eat something and forced on some roasted cashew nuts. That very moment I relaxed on seeing the never ending care and love my Jeeju had for me. I felt never mind what happens but this man is going to be there for me always just like the elder brother I always wished for. We parked the car little far from my ex’s office watched him for 1 and ½ hour just to see him lock the office get into a cab and leave the place. I kept on trying on the anonymous number which was switched off all that time.

Another day I came up with this so that I could help myself out of the mess and worries I faced. Can’t forget the days I cried so much that everyday I had severe head aches. Jeeju as always so caring always came down to my office to check on me and console me not to cry and spoil my day for some bastard who is sending him anonymous messages. I told him about the confidential Government Department built mainly for the well being of expatriates in Dubai especially women. He said he enquired about the same but found that it is not worth anything because they only fine the anon with some huge amount and then leave the person after some Police questioning. I desperately wanted to complain about the anonymous person who spoiled my life literally, who made me cry and cry, who made me ashamed and guilty to even look into my Jeeju’s eyes. Thanks to my jeeju who never thought of informing the matter at home especially with mum.

With every day passing by I used to get worried on what the matter would be on the next sms from the anon bastard. So very tensed I was guys that I cannot explain even today. I hate to think of it. Once jeeju met Rehan and solved the issue. Like a good boy my Rehan stopped meeting me. I forced him for days and finally he agreed to meet up again. One more thing is that Rehan couldnt really do anything to find out the bastard who was playing games with his bebo’s life. Whether he was under shock or was tensed like me or whether he had other things in mind I never really knew. But he never could help me out expect stopping me from meeting him which was like killing me. I did not have the guts to share it with any of my friends because Jeeju & Rehan thought it could be even my friends who had secret crushes on me.

Slowly the messages stopped coming. The anonymous number remained switched off all time & forever. Jeeju came with a marriage proposal. The guy was Jeeju’s best friend’s younger brother, also a distant relative. Then the later matters I guess you all must be aware of since I have mentioned all that in here in various posts.

It was last Tuesday when I was calling up all my friends in the contact list of my mobile, I came across the anonymous number. A second’s thought I grasped my colleague’s mobile who was sitting next to me and dialed the number. To my surprise it rang and HE picked- the anonymous bastard. He picked but I could not recognize his voice. I let my colleague talk and listened carefully to that anonymous voice. I found out. Yes! I found out it was him-My loving caring Jeeju!

Guys I was cheated literally fooled by a person whom I thought to be a caring brother, a friend, a support, a motivation, the only figure who understood my feelings in my family. I was cheated and no other person on earth can cheat me to this extent for sure. I have got every proof that he is using that anonymous number at the moment. I will keep posting about it.

I still have not got out of the shock. Can’t believe I let someone screw my life just like 1, 2 & 3. What have I done to myself? Sheesh!

I will definitely update with the other dramas that he came up with after this incident. One more thing, he stills doesn’t know that I have caught his dirty game.

Friends, what do you think is the right name I should address him as in my next posts? Please suggest. Also what do you all think is the real motive behind this game-his dirty game?

Current weather condition Dubai-33°C

2006-11-07T14:09:00.000+04:00

Did I tell you guys that I had made another blog on blogger? An entirely new blog. Well, I did. The main reason behind it was that I don’t really get along good with my fiancé especially when it comes to communication. He is quiet possessive & jealous of me, in the sense over possessive and jealous of the number of friends I have. I won’t take it negative but I find it hard to adjust with him. And most of the time when I try to make him understand he just doest want to listen. I thought of starting another blog where I could do the same what I have been doing on this blog of mine.

It worked well for the first few days because he took the pain to read it. Hehe…..And now I keep on posting in there but he never reads. I never asked him though. But I know it because he never reacted to what I mentioned there. Smart I am na? It is such a boring blog you know? I myself find it boring. But anyways even when I started this blog I never expected anyone to read it. It was merely a place where I could burst with the over flowing emotions of mine. Okkai! Did that sound funny?

Anyways, here I am much more open. I don’t think before I type. I feel light. I feel good. Be it a silly outburst, momentary anger on Rehan, never-ending love for Rehan, frustration on Bihari colleagues, naughtiness of my nephew be it anything I feel really good and relaxed every time I post something on my blog. Above all it feels good to have some unknown people around to support, to encourage, to correct if I am wrong and to help me in any situation I tried to explain in my posts.

So Rehan please don’t try hard fishing for that blog anywhere on the internet. I am sure you won’t find it and even if you find it by chance you won’t find anything worth reading. Sometimes it is good to leave certain matters furtive than digging what might not be worth your time and energy.

“Beta, what are doing behind that tree?”

“Nothing mumma.”

“Don’t lie. You are digging the ground. I saw the hole that you made in the back garden.”

An Outburst

2006-11-05T10:38:00.000+04:00

These are few moments of my life when I am sure that he doesn’t deserve my true love. He doesn’t deserve it. He is mine and only mine. Today and everyday nobody knows how much I regret never forcing him into any future complexities ignoring his priorities of life. I am fool or I have never loved anyone so much. Or maybe I should never have loved. I never had to be so sincere to him. Or maybe I should not have been so sincere to myself.

Men are cowards. They are hypocrites. No one dares to be different. No one dares to change the attitude of a silly 20 year old girl who is yet to meet the real world-the real MEN. What a simple thing on earth to do? Yet some one is not able to. Haha….The very thought makes me laugh.

I will write all what I want. I might or may never regret writing this. But I hate myself for giving my soul to someone. I should not have really cared so much for a person whom I knew I would never have in my lifetime. The worst of all is he never asked for anything. It was consciously give and give and give and till I feel empty. Just the way I am feeling now.

I CANNOT and will never try to reflect my thoughts in a mail to a close friend or in few tears to my love or in some touchy words to mom. No one deserves to know it or rather it might be a failure to attempt to explain the thoughts of a confused mind. All I CAN and will do is kill the thoughts with help of time or build it high to persistently remind myself of what I am and how I got to be in the life fate once and forever made me hate. Again, it is up to me what I decide out the two and no one is worth knowing my mind-my decisions. The pleasure of feeling lonely and keeping everything to yourself is a must-feel thing. I swear!

Is prayer a solution?

2006-10-31T16:47:00.000+04:00

I have finally decided to move on in life leaving certain unforgettable truths behind. Yes, it is unforgettable and still I want to move on. I have learned it the hard way no doubt. Nothing really seems to help me out- Music, friends, the love of my would-be, my job, chat messengers, mirror, books. Nothing at all. I am at peace the most when I am alone. Thinking of nothing and sometimes murmuring something what I don’t know in my privacy. Tough time you know. Real struggle to catch up with the practical life.

Don’t know how many in the world would have faced the exceptional dilemma that I am facing or should I mention it in past tense? Ok! The exceptional dilemma that I had faced. Wish I could take some real good advices from them. Before anything it’s just that I have made up my mind and decided not to look back. But I do. Most of the time I get a real stiff neck turning back to look at my past. Now, I didn’t mean that literally. But it hurts more than words can explain. More than what I can to the maximum on this very blog of mine.

What is that I am doing? Why is it that nobody is trying to understand me? Why is that more than the situations putting me far alone in a corner, I myself don’t wish anything less than remaining so? A hell lot of questions. Hell! Bloody Hell! Bloody whatever but I can’t bloody get out of this.

“Darsh, why don’t you pray. Its gives a lot of peace of mind.”

Bloody Hell again! I don’t pray if nobody knows that clean fact about me. I don’t pray but please don’t ask me why. A hindu by birth. An ardent devotee of Lord Kirshna I was. I still remember word by word all kirtan that I used recite to praise the most powerful god in Hinduism (as I believed) Lord Krishna. I was also spirituous enough to feel the telepathic presence of Sri Sathya Sai Baba ever since he played a mysterious dream game with me when I was young, say it about 13 years old.

I don’t pray anymore. What made me a rebel (according to my mother & sisters) is something what I myself can’t figure out in the past 1 and half long years. I still wonder why I lost faith in God. I remember I always carried a trace of Lord Krishna with me-A ring on which the figure of Lord Krishna was engraved. Where is that ring now? I don’t really know. In other words, these sort of advices doesn’t really work with me.

Out of hell, but not in heaven. That describes it all.

Shudha Sarang

2006-10-19T10:36:00.000+04:00

Having a black bru coffee and listening to Anoushka Shankar. I have been doing only this for past few days. My mind doesn’t allow anything else. No friends, no calls, no chatting, no boss, nothing. I am really enjoying this loneliness.

Ram! Ram!

2006-10-09T16:01:00.000+04:00

These days I am not really in a peaceful state of mind and I thought its better not to blog for the time being. Just to mention I had a bad start this morning. A hot argument with my sis and I was sure the day is going to be a bad one with a ruthless headache. Well, it turned out to be right but something really made me smile at every thought of an incident today.

When I am on my way to office, I have the habit of listening to songs on my Zen (very similar to an Ipod). I opened my handbag to find the cute colorful toothbrush of my nephew in there. To describe it has got a rubber handle, an attractive shape and the colors on it were orange, green, blue (on tip) & yellow. In the front there is a teddy bear and on the back of the handle there is a rabbit a teddy again, a sheep and a duck all imprinted on the same rubber handle. And know what it even had a fruity smell of the children toothpaste that my niece uses. It is cute just like him. By the way if you are wondering he is 1 year & 4 months and look at him he has already got a toothbrush to brush his teeth- the tiny ones which shines when he grins at sight of my mobile phone.

I did notice him walking around in the room like a ‘gunda’ for collecting ‘hafta’ while I dressed up for office. My handbag was open and he must have left it inside while greedily searching for my phone in it. He is really naughty and the only entertainment for me when I am back at home after work.

PS- You must have heard of Chotta Shakeel, Chotta Rajan, but never of my Chotta Ram.

Yeah! I am weird

2006-10-03T11:32:00.000+04:00

It seems like people have started realizing that I am really weird. Cardomom has tagged me. By the way he himself is weird and one can just get that easily from his blog address-garam bheja fry. True that he somehow manages to fry my bheja whenever I make the mistake of reading his blog.

The 6 weirdest things about me are:

1. Nighttime Amnesia: I don’t remember anything that happens after I start dozing off at night. I sometimes talk on the phone, sometimes I wake up in between my nap but I never remember anything that happened the previous night. Most of the time the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up is to check the log of my mobile just to confirm if I had called him when I got up in between my sleep or not.

2. I swing my shoulders when I am shy. That’s a typical attribute of a seedi saadi Indian girl. Most of you must have seen that in hindi movies. Usually it’s like the heroine gives the hero a glass of water and steps back-looks down at her feet-holding her hands together and swinging the shoulders melodically left & right. Then, she looks up to the hero’s face-he gives her a romantic look-she blushes-runs to the kitchen. Oops did I imagine too much?

3. I tend to puke when I see someone puke. It’s weird especially when I have a niece & a nephew at home who puke every now & then for no other reason but because of the extra effort my mom & sister takes to feed rather force them with a yucky paste of boiled rice & vegetables/meat. I wonder who told them that kids will love this meal.

4. I shake my legs continuously when I am in sitting position. Be it when I am on my seat at office, when I am working on my pc, when I am eating at a restaurant, when watching movie at a theatre or anywhere else. The velocity of the movement is the highest when I am in tension specially if in an examination hall.

5. Breaking my knuckles. I have tried all 160 different methods to control it but still in vain. Including taking the sincere requests of Rehan & the awareness of its consequences in old age. Nothing really worked.

6. I don’t eat peanuts. I hate the smell of it even when someone crushes the roasted skin of it and eats the nut in front of me. I found it weird the most when my classmates (during school days) deliberately brought box of ‘snickers’ chocolates on their birthdays knowing that I won’t touch it. When we go for picnics they all have the roasted peanuts and toss it one by one into their big mouths just to tease me, I used to feel I am weird.

Done. I am a good girl now. Well, next I need to pass this tag to 6 weird people. That’s tough, because I am no Miss Blog World (2006). At the moment I can tag only 3 weird people:

1) The owner of a beautiful mind- Nayan
2) The person who is searching for serenity & insanity-Jasprit
3) The person who amuses himself-Shankha (A new person, about whom I would like to know more)

The rest 3 will be tagged when I find them in future.

Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

2006-09-30T15:37:00.000+04:00

Tujhe bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na
Kholoon apni baaton main phir is duniya se boloon na
Bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na
Kholoon apni baaton main phir is duniya se boloon na
Main dekhoon main baat karoon tere saath jeeyoon tere saath maroon
Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

Tu aur kissi ka na hona, main jeete jee mar jaaungi
Teri khaatir duniya se ab tanha hi lad jaaungi
Aur kissi ka na hona, main jeete jee mar jaaungi
Teri khaatir duniya se ab tanha hi lad jaaungi
Maine tujhko kahaan piya ye tan-man tere naam kiya
Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

I have always loved this song for two reasons:
1) Sunidhi Chauhan’s amazing & soul touching voice
2) That’s a reflection of my heart.

Now, I don’t need to explain about the beautiful voice of Sunidhi but I will have to explain how the lyrics reflect my heart. I desperately want to do everything the lyrics mentioned above says. Even now, after all expected (yup) changes in my life, I still want to make him mine. Tujhe bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na…See! That’s in my heart. My feelings, my thoughts all you can find out from the lines of this song.

I am missing him so much and these lines are making me go crazy. Kya karu. I cant stop thinking of Rehan. Nothing else is on my mind apart from him, his smile (the curve goes only to one side, slightly bending downwards & its rare), his sweating hands (I love holding it and pressing it to my cheeks to feel his warmth), his teeth arranged in wrong positions (I just melt when he intentionally shows that to me when I am angry with him) and so many things that I love in him. Missing everything. The more I try to go far from him, the more I think of him & miss him.

I know I need to get over this ASAP and once its done I will start writing about everything else happening in my life (apart from Rehan). Until then all please tolerate my Non-Stop Non-Sense.

Only for Rehan’s eyes (The eyes that I love):
Jaan, you promised me you won’t keep your mobile switched off. You know how upset I am these days. Sometimes I speak things that I don’t mean at all. Bebo will go mad if you do that once again. Please…

Stop! Thats the boundary

2006-09-24T12:54:00.000+04:00

Yes, I know all have boundaries and so you have it too.....

I guess I walked a lot far crossing my boundaries....Let me go back and let me never return.....

How do I...

Get through one night without you

If I had to live without you

What kind of life would that be?

Oh now I need you in my arms...need you to hold

Your my world my heart my soul

If you ever leave

Baby you'd take away everything good in my life....

Without you....

There'd be no sun in my sky

There would be no love in my life

There would be no world left for me

And I…

Baby I don't know what I would do

I would be lost if I lost you

If you ever leave

Baby you would take away everything real in my life...

And tell me now…

How do I live without you

I want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do I ever ever survive?

How do I… How do I… O how do I live?

If you ever leave...
Baby you would take away everything

Need you with me...

Baby cos you know that your everything good in my life

And tell me now…

How do I live without you

I want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I… How do I… O how do I live..

How do I live without you

How do I live without you baby

How do I live....

Singer: LeAnn Rimes (Also by Trisha Yearwood)

Lage Raho!

2006-09-13T13:11:00.000+04:00

Me: “You know what he is coming to meet me after work.”

Rehan: “Why is he coming?”

Me: “What you mean?”

Rehan: “Nothing! My mind is not working. Nothing”

Me: “No! Tell me. What is it? Tell me what you are feeling”

Rehan: “I don’t want you to meet him. Jaana, told you na. I don’t know what I am talking. My mind is not working.”

Me: “Let me see what I can do.”

After that conversation with him, I had only one thought on mind- Somehow cancel the plan of meeting my would be. Poor he! Was busy all day and couldn’t call me even once. I totally understand how much pressure he has at work, I was fishing for a reason and found it.

Me: “The whole day you didn’t even call me once. See I will tell you one thing very clearly. I don’t like anyone treating me this way.”

My fiancé: “But dear you have to understand…I….”

Me: “You can’t just ignore me like that. I can’t keep calling you all the time when you have no time for me. I am going to my flat & I think we better not meet today.”

My fiancé: “Well, what can I say when you are making things complicated. Fine!”

A very selfish me. Can you see it there? How selfish I am? Somehow, I wanted to prove that I care a lot about my Rehan, his feelings even if it means going to any extent.

NEXT:

I call Rehan just to find that he is going out with his friends to watch a movie, that too for the second time-Lage Raho Munnabhai. They were two friends of his & two girls-one his friend’s girl friend and the other her friend.

If he drinks one extra glass of water he calls me up just to inform me that. A person like him did not tell me that he had met these girls even before last evening. Whatever, I had always loved him more when he used to give me daily reports without even asking for it. I am really thankful to his friends who are so very caring about him. They never leave him alone and always keep him busy in the evenings. These keep him free from my thoughts as well. But what I felt is what I want explain here in my blog. That’s the main purpose of blogging isn’t it? I am not blaming him but blaming myself for giving so much of importance to what I should not be. When I know it’s going to end soon, when I know I have to start considering my fiancé, when I know its meaningless to stop him from meeting me, I still behaved in a manner as if someone had forced things on me. I put myself in a situation where I couldn’t do anything but sit quiet & curse myself. I felt left out, lonely and above all a STUPID.

On one side my fiancé who was upset and didn’t want to talk to me. And on other side Rehan with whom I was not in a mood to talk with. All alone I sat on the kitchen floor till 12.30 midnight thinking of what I have been doing with myself. How stupid I act at times, mad & blind at times, silly at times, impractical at times and so on…all questioned & answered by me myself. Felt abandoned.

It’s high time now. I should learn to balance both the sides carefully. Come on Darsh! You knew it even before na?

My mind spoke: “Pehle tumne bayen liya tha aur ab dayen kyun ja rahi ho? Fool you are! You were going in the left direction and now why are you moving in right? Are you blind? You think you are Zooni? Wake up Bebo! Na ye Fanaa hai aur na yahan Rehan hai”

Tera dil main meri sanso ko panah mil jaye,
Tera ishq main meri jaan fanaa hojaye.....

Humka maalum nahi, humka ka karna hai?

2006-09-12T18:14:00.000+04:00

Thought a lot on whether I should continue blogging or not. And finally, I decided to continue. But don’t complain if I don’t post for a long time. You know, sometimes it may not be possible for me.

It was such a boring day for me today. My office pc has been taken for formatting and one can imagine how my day went by without raaga/musicindiaonline.com. And Tom cruise didn’t leave the office till 5.30 in the evening. No! Don’t take me wrong, he thinks he is Mr.Cruise. Can’t blame him, I will explain why. I am talking about my Boss, Mr. Bihari Babu.

After the discipline thing (a long story-some other day ok?) today he came up with something else.

Boss: “Darsh, now you have started talking in your mother tongue at office huh? You should talk in a language which we can also understand.”

(NOTE: I have only one collegue at office who talks my language)

Me: (Smiled). “Sir, I don’t speak Bhojpuri.”

Boss: “No! We don’t speak Bhojpuri. Come on!”

Me: “I know Sir, but that’s a typical Bihari slang of hindi.”

He is nuts. Budda Bihari ko kuch kaam hi nahi hai office mein phir bhi baittha hai to peep into my pc and see what I am doing. Well, he is not very old as I have described. But still, have to abuse him in some or the other way na? No lies now- he has got a pot belly, wears only ‘Boss’ branded tight T-shirts and latest trendy jeans-which has got patch works here & there, beach slippers-I am not exaggerating, he wears slippers which has got floral designs on it. Then Hugo Boss sun glasses and uses extra strong gel on hair which I think is the only attempt of his that gives him the confidence of looking like Mr. Cruise. Imagine yaar! Imagine with the background score of M.I. Tight T-shirt & pot belly, beach slippers & sun glass, gel on hair to style spikes in the front & a cigarette in hand (he smokes a lot)-Can you see a smart hunk? Or Tom Cruise in your imagination right now? Yes! That’s my Bihari Boss!

Wana know more about my Bihari collegues?Then read this & this.And maybe this too.

Feeling so light now. Too much for the day, isnt it?

Tumko humra post pasand aaya ki nahi?

Live or Let Die

2006-09-04T12:59:00.000+04:00

I will need some feedback/ suggestions from all who reads my blog on a question that’s on my mind for past few weeks now.

It’s been only 3 months since I have started blogging. And I am very happy that I have got few but very good people who motivate me to blog more. Some people whom I have never seen or known. It started off as a source to put across certain feelings, which I thought I could express better in writing than any other way. And it proved right. I can now explain anything and everything with help of words just to convey the exact matter with all emotion and importance. It is such a relief to me. But again, this blog contains all my personal matters, which perhaps none of my friends or any close ones ever knew about me.

Some major changes have taken place in life unexpected and which leaves me blank about everything that’s happening at present. I want to hold every second passing by, want to pause this very moment. I want to be the way I am, I want my Rehan in my life always, and I want to see his smile all the time. Everything just the way it is.

Question: Should this blog remain the way it is, the way I am, his Bebo, smiling, and most importantly unmarried (single)?

The reason for thinking like wise was because I felt if I continue blogging there would many things that are going to be entirely different from what I have been to the people who read my blog. I may not want to post many of the things which may happen in my future life, which may again may upset me. Either I stop blogging and let this blog die on its own or continue blogging without anyone (my close friends or relatives or even my would be) knowing about it. If you want the latter one, then I would prefer being single on the blog forever, the same Bebo who lives in a imaginary world with Rehan, who is really happy and smiling. She may not want to mention about the life she will live in real precisely the married life.

This is what I have been thinking for sometime now and I will continue blogging ONLY when I get honest & convincing suggestions from all who care about me, who understands me and who care to read my blog to know more about me.

Should I ask in particular to leave a comment?

My Corporate World!

2006-08-28T13:10:00.000+04:00

Think Darsh! Think! There must be at least one small job that your boss has given you and you have not done it today. Think!

Nope! Nothing sweetie. There is nothing at all. You are just wasting the good time of your life, when you should be working hard to build your career.

Just another boring day at work. Doing nothing, lazing around, munching cheese balls and recollecting the movie I saw last night-Corporate.

Trust me guys this movie is amazing. I should say I haven’t seen such a good movie in the recent past. The credit goes completely to Madhur Bandarkar. I remember he was sitting in row no. 9 & me in row no. 10 for the IIFA Awards Show. I remember he looked at me twice (Or was he wondering why I was staring at him?). Well, it was natural that some one sitting and talking to the person on his left would unknowingly look at the girl sitting in the very next row behind him. Hehe…

Well, whatever the movie was awesome. I mean I have no words to explain. Bips looked very smart in those business suits. Kay Kay not to mention has always been a favorite of mine. I felt lost when he died in the movie; I mean just think of Nishi (Bips). Poor girl, she was one the top most executives of the Segal Group and she ends up counting the iron bars in the jail. Sad isn’t? Even I felt that. Cruel world, corporate world.

Madhur did the same to his fans in the movie ‘Page 3’. Without being a journalist or a business executive in real I could literally feel the difficulties & consequences of being sincere towards profession or certain individuals in corporate companies & in high-class societies, where human relations have no importance but just money & fame. Thanks to the unknown power which rules the sub conscious mind of the creatures on earth that I was never into these kind of societies where I may have to see my dad having a keep or mom getting drunk after the every late night parties.

If there is one only thing I didn’t like about movie ‘Corporate’ it is the narration, which was surprisingly worthless. Honestly, as a viewer I felt the narration stuff was avoidable through out the film. When Madhur could communicate so much in his previous movies through his extraordinary technique of direction why did he want someone to tell the viewers what’s going on in the movie. But never mind the movie is worth a second watch and I have already asked my lazy colleague who is still sleeping at his home to get me CD copy of the film.

My corporate world-A Bihari Boss & Bihari colleagues. Someone help me get in touch with Madhur Bandarkar? I have an exclusive script.

Hum hai iss pal yahan, jaane ho kal kahan...

2006-08-24T13:41:00.000+04:00

“If we are meeting 98 days out of 100, why is it that we should take extra effort to meet on these two days? I just don’t understand.”

When I had evening classes at college, I used to meet him everyday. Even if it means to make me wait for 1½ hour, he somehow managed to come pick me to drop me at college and back home. Well, I have always appreciated that. But I was so madly in love that even though we used to meet all week-everyday, I still wanted to meet him on Fridays (holiday in UAE) when I had extra classes before my 2nd yr B.B.A exams in last June. Poor guy had only one day off from work & I would force him to come and meet me even on that day.

Honestly, I had no other intentions, but I always had a bad feeling in mind that things may end soon & there would come a day when I cant meet him even if I wish to. Just didn’t want to regret in life, that I didn’t take a chance or I missed a chance of meeting and spending some time with my-only my Rehan. He never behaved like me. Probably, it was the age factor that didn’t let him act crazy like me.

“Jaana, I wish I was a 21 or 22 year old guy, I would elope with you so that you will be mine forever.”

Last evening he wanted to meet me badly, but I felt that something was wrong somewhere. I didn’t let him come to pick me. I am just not regretting anything today because I am sure; I had never missed even a single opportunity to meet him in the past 1 year. Those lines (mentioned in the beginning) was some ruthless words that fell out of him, when I told him I wanted to meet him one Friday. It definitely did make me think that I should not be so desperate to meet him & should give him some space.

I am not trying to justify my part or blame him but it just happened that at the present situation I can’t meet him and things really have come to end the way I thought once it would be. Just rewinding my own calculations about life & future I had, in contrast he used to live only in present & never thought about future. I used to constantly tell him that we should think of future & he used to argue with me by saying that we should only think of present.

Current calculations = Able to talk to you on phone + can chat online + really happy about it + little scared + may have to give it up soon.

But never forget we live under the same sky.

Hum hain iss pal yahan, jaane ho kal kahan…
Hum miley na miley, hum rahey na rahey…
Rahegi sadaa yahan, pyar ki ye dastan…
Sunenge sadaa jise, yeh zameen asmaan...

Degree: MAL (Masters in Art of Living)

2006-08-19T15:13:00.001+04:00

“ When a door closes in front of you there will always be another door opening, but we stand in front of the closed door weeping never to realize that the open door is waiting for you to explore the other side of life.”

This was what Jaz told me when I spoke to her before my engagement all in tears with a broken heart. Maybe she was right, I am still crying over the closed door and not even considering the new door waiting for me with lots of hopes, love, care & happiness. In past few days, (Note: It has been only a week since I am engaged) I had had a few arguments with my fiancé. I just wonder, what is wrong with him, or is it that there is something wrong with me? Today, I realized how eagerly he wanted to meet me, touch me, look into my eyes and tell me how much he has fallen in love with me ever since he started talking to me. I feel whatever I had thought about him was nothing but the fear I carried heart in heart which never let me think of anyone else in place of Rehan.

I can act, and not only act but also act very well. But don’t know for how long. To love a person, especially when you are arranged to love a person by your parents, you need to be very understanding and adjusting. I am just feeling guilty of what I am doing to the person who decided that I should be his ultimate love with whom he is going to live his entire life with. He is good, handsome, smart, earning well and sincere to me but he is not my Rehan. He is not my Rehan na?

When I mentioned ‘sincere to me’ I mean it to a depth I can’t explain because he didn’t think even for a fraction of second before confessing to me about an affair he had with a bar dancer of a hotel in Dubai. Before we got engaged, I had assured him that I am not concerned about his past and maybe that was the reason he confessed the matter to me with all trust in me that I would not react like mad to it. I appreciate it, and I still mean what I had told him. I don’t care about his past. But the question is will I be ever able to tell him that I have given my heart & soul to a person whom I love a lot and think is the right person I can ever get in this life?

How can I be so harsh on him? After all he is the one who is going to be with me all life. I should understand him as a wife (to be) and make sure he is happy with me, even if it means to act a little more and hide my real self.

“Bebo, are you seriously thinking of joining the Art of Living classes?”

“Why do ask?”

“Joining as a teacher or a student?”

That’s how my Rehan is.

Wake Up Bebo!

2006-08-15T15:36:00.000+04:00

There are two folders named ‘Wake up Bebo!’- One in my mobile phone and the other in my mailbox. Well, the name itself must be giving you a clue about the content of the folder. Someone wants Bebo to wake up from a long, lazy sleep. A few important tasks which Rehan wanted me to do in life. No! No! Just a nick for him. We saw the movie ‘Fanaa’ together and whenever I am too much in love, I used to call him that name. Don’t tell anyone, but sometimes he is Krissh too.

There must hardly 4 recruitment agencies / multinational/ semi-government companies in the whole of Dubai where you won’t find my CV. The folders contain the details of the websites where I had applied for openings, mails, confirmations, job search advices etc. I was on a full swing to fulfill all what Rehan wanted me to do for leading a better & independent (most important) life. I was all set to join one of the best driving institutes of Dubai for my license. Apart from these two main things, I had lot more small ones on the list. These folders always reminded me his words “Bebo, how many times I have told you to start looking for a better job” “Sweeto, you are joining Belhasa Driving institute this Saturday. That is it.”

For the past 2 weeks I haven’t even touched the newspapers, forget about going through the situation vacant column. Neither am I updating my CV on the websites. Getting engaged is really a good feeling, but now it seems like an obstacle to me in fulfilling his (even my) wishes. I am very confused most of the time. Feel like I am in middle of nowhere. At the same time I feel that I am secure because there is someone new in life to take care of my needs. Indeed it was the only thought I had on mind when I agreed for the proposal.

Sometimes, I think entirely different about him, which was one other reason for taking a quick decision strongly considering 'say-no-to-heart' principle. I feel guilty to say but I do feel some kind of hatred ness towards him at times. Feel like cursing myself for falling in love with him. These made me think of the other side of life, to be little selfish about myself, my family’s status among other relatives. Thought that I should not worry about a person who is self-centered and wants his family to be happy even if it means making me cry for what I should not be. Again, these are only momentary thoughts. Eventually, only I can understand him and his love for me. And I know nothing can compensate love.

I SERIOUSLY NEED TO JOIN THE ‘Art of Living’ CLASSES! What do u say?

Bebo will never cry!

2006-08-06T15:15:00.001+04:00

Before I start my nonsense, I would want you to go through this. Not for the complete of poem but the last line. Sunshine, that's beautiful.

“Smile Bebo! Say Eeeeee!”

That doesn’t make sense to a person struggling with two minds at the moment. I wont blame a single living creature on earth for this. I am the one responsible for all the turns I take in my life. Had to choose between right & left.

My heart said ‘take right you will never be sad in life’
My mind said ‘take left he will never be sad in life’

I took left and I will always be happy for I want him to be happy. Love is so selfish isn’t it? It just makes you so cold hearted that you wont mind being cruel to yourself even if it means keeping the one you love happy. There were occasions when we spoke about the difficulties we would face if we were not together in life. Hands on my heart, I could only see love for me in his eyes. He is helplessly tied up. Mother’s love is immeasurable. Isn’t it? If I cannot read his mind, then I never loved him. If I cannot understand his weakness I never loved him. If I cannot understand his mother’s love then I can never be a good mother. Frankly, I would never want to come between them, never would want to be a reason for a slight decrease in their love for each other.

I feel lost most of the time. I accept I can understand him more than anyone else, but do I understand myself? Am I realizing what I am doing to myself? Am I thinking of how I am going to face certain things in future? Honestly, I am not. I am not thinking of anything at the present situation. Good or bad I really don’t know.

I have always found people complimenting me for instance

“I need to learn from you” “You are really strong” “Very mature for your age” “I appreciate your analyzing ability”(one of the best I have got)

I felt good, but never believed their words. At this moment, I realize I am strong. But then why do I cry? Why does this strong Bebo cry? For the past few weeks, I have cried so much that now I am used to the headaches followed by it. After all he wanted me to take care of my eyes, which gets dry whenever I stress a lot looking at the pc screen. I make sure that it is moisturized ever 5 minutes.

I will cry once again, once again in his arms and maybe never again. I want to be a strong & independent lady who will never wait for others advice but will have people waiting for her advice. That’s his dream and probably my only hope left in life to move on. When I achieve this I will be his forever. As far as happiness, my smile, the extraordinary dimple on my right cheek that no one but only he has discovered is concerned, I regret but I cannot assure. I am not myself, if I am not your Bebo.

"In memory of the beautiful life you & I once shared."

Hands Up! Surrender Now!

2006-07-31T17:33:00.000+04:00

‘Lord grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
Lord grant me the courage to change what I can change,
Lord grant me the wisdom to distinguish between these two.’

I had it written on a piece of paper and found it last Friday along with a bunch of old papers I had as a collection. After going through the lines I tried to recollect where did I read it and when did I note it down. Thought for a while and left it but then I found an invitation with this piece of paper. I realized it was some day in May 2004 when I was in India for my dad’s funeral & that invitation was for the same. At our place, after the ceremony all invitations are burned away & not kept in hand at any cost but I managed to somehow keep one with me. I still question myself as of why I wanted to keep it. I don’t remember exactly where I read it, but its something that is appropriate even in the present circumstances of my life.

Honestly, those days I never could think of the consequences that tragedy would bring in my life. It was not that I never thought of it, but the mind of a 17-year-old girl who immediately passed out of her 12th grade of school did not possess the ability to differentiate the life that she lived till that particular day and the life she has to live next without a major support.

“Grow up!” “Stop acting like a kid” “You’re a working lady now!” “Be mature!” “Behave yourself!” “You have to listen to us if you want to live with us.” “Act like a women!” “What are you waiting for? You expect someone to help you on this?”

I knew nothing. I was silent and observant. Learnt some, accepted all. Wanted more, asked less.

Me: “Today I don’t have the transport to office.”
Other Side: “So, what can we do about it?”

Me: “Jaz's in Dubai”
Other Side: “No!”

Me: “ Asha’s mum has promised to teach me stitching.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to take license before I get married.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to change my job, I have no future at this work”
Other Side: “No”

Today, I have the maturity to understand and act the way situations demand & I have succeeded through a very difficult phase of my life. But somehow my consciousness pricks me and will always on how cruel I’m to myself, how tough I’m on my feelings, how heartless I’m when it comes to achieving my own happiness, how a deaf I act when I can listen myself crying, how a blind I act when I see myself struggling to adjust, how a dumb I act when positive thoughts turn up to help myself. Surrendered to fate I am living life for sake of living it.

The decisions made from heart can always be changed. On the contrary, the decisions of mind never change. My heart wished for something but I managed to convince it on what will bring the real happiness to me. Convinced completely. No complains. No regrets. No pains. No feelings of any sort. I don’t want the Lord to help me distinguish what I can change & what I cannot because I cannot change MYSELF when I am not MYSELF.

“Mema, you got a cool collection of Frisbees”

2006-07-30T14:04:00.000+04:00

Had a boring weekend with an additional leave on Saturday. I was not feeling good that morning and slept a little late. After one hour of thinking & rethinking I decided not to go to office that day and words like-Bebo just relax at home for a day. You are not taking proper care of yourself. I don’t want you to go to office today etc just made me say:

“Sir, I am not feeling well today. I need a day off.”

Got a little bored in the morning but then it was fine. Watched the cartoon ‘Bambi’ with my niece who is always excited to watch it even though she has seen it more than 75 times. Bambi (well if your wondering it’s a baby reindeer) doesn’t have a mother reindeer and is sad throughout the story when he sees his friends getting the care and love from their moms. Sad isn’t it. Even I felt it. Even my niece felt it. Finally after watching the cartoon twice with all that sympathy feeling over flowing towards the motherless Bambi my niece slept in my arms by evening.

Kids are sweet always. Though I lose my temper sometimes, I have changed a lot in the past one year. And it’s the innocence of my nephew that has helped me change this way. Honestly he is one of the smartest kids I have seen. Something special about him is that every time he looks into my eyes, I feel like he wants to tell me lots of things. No jokes! Unlike other children I have seen till date, he is very expressive. If he likes 3 things in the world it would be:

1) My attractive Nokia 9300 communicator (you can call it fridge or brick)
2) My CD collections (He thinks those are Frisbees that he saw Ash playing with in the Lux Advertisement.).
3) Drink water and more water.

I wish life was that easy for me just the way it is for him. I really need to learn to control the unwanted thoughts that I generally entertain a lot. Advice me if you think I should join the Art of Living classes immediately.

Leave me alone!

2006-07-26T13:10:00.000+04:00

For the past few days I have been thinking a lot. I am very much disturbed mentally, I have started speaking things that I don’t mean, I have no control on my tears feel like there is a heavy stone stuck in my throat and I am unable to swallow it, I forget that I am in an office, I am not feeling comfortable talking to my friends.

I am not happy, but this what I chose to be. Nobody has anything to do with what I decided. I wanted this to happen and I have to face it alone.

I don’t know how I am going to deal with the new relation I have put myself into. I try to stop thinking about these but somehow…..

Never imagined that somebody can influence me so much in life. Right now I just wish I could be so busy that I don’t get the time for any thoughts.

Saala kuch kaam hi nahi hai tho hum ka kare?

2006-07-24T18:19:00.000+04:00

I wonder why access to my blog was not blocked. If you notice I have clearly abused the famous illiterate community of India openly on this blog. Now, I am not really proud of being a part of the most literate community of India ok. No ways!

But I guess the degrees (secret ok-don’t tell anyone-only between you & me- its all duplicate ones) on their CV are making a good impact on the people who interview them. Yeah, I meant to say few are moving out looking for better opportunities to dig high standard, modern structural graves for some reputed companies of Dubai.

They have started getting bored at office these days. They don’t joke around much; the consumption level of tea/ coffee & ‘biscoot’ (Bihari slang) has dropped off tremendously in past one month. They depend solely on Johnny Lever for entertainment purpose, though they had a good time watching the ‘Laughter Challenge’ a day back.

One Bihari: “Akhtar Bhai ka style hai! Naya chashma hai ka?”

Me: “Kahan se churaya aapne?”

Akhtar bhai: “Nahi chotti. Dehaj mein mila tha”

My boss won’t come to the office today and that means download-the-2nd-part-of-Laughter-Challenge-laugh-whistle-shout-and-irritate-the-innocent-girl-in-the-next-room. (Can’t you guess from the word ‘innocent’, its me). Well, something is better than nothing right and if they don’t talk then I can imagine, this place would be silent like a mortuary.

I still need to kill another 45 minutes so that I can relax in the traffic for 1 hour while going back home. Honestly, I am getting bored too and when I don’t have any work to do I start thinking what I don’t want to think.

I still wish…

2006-07-22T10:59:00.000+04:00

Nothing went wrong. Everything was perfect.

I can’t explain in words what I was going through when they arrived. He wanted to talk to me in person and was in my room for a while. I was listening to some songs on my Zen when he walked in. He repeated certain questions out of nervousness I guess.

The final question was “What is your opinion? Do you like me?”

Neither he had thick moustache nor he had big belly. This time even the horoscopes played a safe game.

I thought of that someone special in my life, how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much I care for him, how much I can understand his feelings and his situation and then, said yes.

I hope things should be fine in matter of 2-3 days. I just need to make up my mind & be firm about what I really want do in life right now. I want to be independent and for that this is the only option left for me.

“Bebo, whatever has to happen will happen.”

Should I smile tomorrow?

2006-07-20T14:39:00.000+04:00

Why do I fear so much of the disaster that I know will happen anytime?

I need to face it and I have decided to face it. I don’t find even the silliest of reason in waiting for what I wish. I need to move on.

Things may or may not be same after a day.

Tomorrow, I hope the guy wont like my nose ring and will reject me or else I hope he has a thick & long moustache so that the ball falls in my court.

“Bebo I have always noticed. Its not that you cant understand me, but you don’t want to understand me.”

Ok let's make a deal- You take my hummer, I take your phone.

2006-07-15T13:55:00.000+04:00

Exams are over means evening classes at college over means Sit-at-home-get-bored-pull-your-niece’s-hair-make-her-cry-make-silly-faces-at-her-she cries-more-you-may-feel-ashamed-of-yourself-but-never-mind.

Sometimes people don’t realize how annoying they are to others when it comes to keeping themselves busy doing silly stuff & this happens when one has nothing do apart from finding new methods of killing time even if it is like disturbing the maid who is cooking in the kitchen by giving a 100 missed calls.

For whatever reason I don’t know why, I felt my 1 yr old nephew wanted to speak out so many things to me on his every 2 minutes visit to my room. Was he trying to tell me “Mema (means mom’s sis in one of the south Indian languages) please tell my mum that I don’t like that mixture of boiled vegetables and rice she forces on me everyday” Or was it like “Mema don’t worry, I know your getting bored like me. Just wait till I get my black hummer and I will take you to the Jimmy Dix for sure. Trust me!” He wanted my cell phone to play with- he looked at me-then looked at my cell- he looked at me again- then looked at my cell.

His mind spoke-“ Ok, this lady wont let me touch it. Forget about taking her out I wont even let her take a glance of my hummer.”

10:00 pm

Tring Tring

“Hellow”

“Hello. How are you?”

“I am fine and you?”

“I am fine too. What are you doing?”

My mind spoke- “What do want to listen to? Should I tell you that I have got only 3 boring TV channels at home & I am really fed up playing games on pc? Neither I play pool nor do I go to discos. So, it was obvious that I was at home, safe listening to songs on my new Ipod. Okay! Okay! Creative Zen. Happy?

“Me? (Paused for while) I am having a beer.” (Dont take that now. I dont drink.)

“What? Beer?”

“Ya! What is wrong in it?”

“You said you had it only once.”

“Ya! So? I just had one.”

“ What made you have it now?”

@#$*&-#%@&*#^$+!

“ I am feeling so sleepy after having this (beer). May sleep at anytime.”

Cheers!

Happy-Muah-Birthday-Muah!

2006-07-10T17:34:00.000+04:00

I don’t understand why people celebrate their Birthdays. When someone gets old by one year, he or she should be sad about it and not celebrating and partying.

I guess, its time for me start acting like a grown up now. No doubt, you got me right. I just need to act and act well. Being 20 (on July 8th) is not a big deal but acting 20 is really a big thing.

Did I mention about the close-yours-eyes-to-price-tag idea I adopted while shopping for my birthday this time? Hmmm…spending 125 bucks (no I am not talking about Rupees okay) for an attractive flat sandal was not bad but looking short on birthday was not a great feeling too.

No matter what, it was a special day for me, more than how much I thought of the day I watched ‘Rang de Basanti’. Well, it has to be special, especially when there is someone trying to copy the Emraan Hashmi-style-of-doing-anything to wish me ‘Happy-Muah-Birthday-Muah’ at the very first minute of me turning 20 years old.

I felt there is nothing particular about cutting cake on birthday, so I thought of cutting an ice cream.

“No! No! I will cut a cake only if it has 20 candles on it.” (That is what actually happened)

Birthday gift-An Ipod. Now I can listen to guitar fantasy instead of mom’s Mahabarath at home.

“Bebo, how many times I have to tell you, it is not an Ipod. It is Creative Zen.”

Brazil Vs Financial Accounting

2006-07-09T12:23:00.000+04:00

Brazil lost the World Cup Football Match 2006 and I lost the Financial Accounting paper. Next England lost & I look forward to the Cost Accounting. Attempting the Financial paper was the good & sincere student in me. The sincerity let me finish the exam in 1 hour & the goodness let me wait for another 1 hour in the examination hall.

That 1-hour took me back to the farewell party at my school. Our vice principal recited a poem of her own, and we had no choice but to wait patiently till she finishes. The examination hall and the party had two things in common.

1) Silence & helplessness
2) The chair was exactly the same

Sitting on that chair was painful for 3 years at school, imagine sitting on it stiff & quietly listening to someone pouring out her inner most feelings in a typical mallu way of reciting poems, stretching the words & a pale look on face due to lack of breath between lines.

I had enough of time to read the instructions for students printed behind the hall ticket & it helped me build confidence to ask the teacher if I could leave the hall. As I expected she replied:

“We generally don’t let the students leave early. You wait till 12.30. Ok”

“But ma’am this hall ticket says that the student can leave the examination hall after 30 minutes from commencement of the exam”

Her mind spoke- “What is wrong with you girl? You want to put me in trouble?”

“Ok ok! If it’s urgent you may leave”

Will never forget that day- The most horrible exam I have given in my life & the noodles I had that day for lunch.(I didn’t really have it completely)

Bebo hates peanuts & peanuts in noodles. Yuck!

A Saturday that I have cursed

2006-07-01T17:56:00.000+04:00

This is one day in every month I get annoyed for all nothings. If anyone knows what ‘Bread & Jam’ means, then that’s it. I get easily irritated even if it’s Elton John singing ‘Something about the way you look tonight’ as a ringing tone on my cell phone.

It was a bad start this morning. I hate that man in the supermarket, who was lost in some thought when I asked him if they had colorful ice creams. I did explain you know what I mean? Strawberry or mango flavored ones. He must have left the water tap open in his toilet before leaving home. Or maybe he was drunk the whole day yesterday (being Friday-Bachelors Day in Dubai) and was wondering if he called up his childhood sweetheart who stays at Sharjah with her husband & 4 kids instead of his wife back in Kerala. Or maybe he swallowed a half chewed half boiled egg to realize that he forgot to brush his teeth. Whatever, I wish him a happy divorced wife…oops sorry life! Thanks to my tummy pain that didn’t make me want to smoke Marlboro lights instead of having a Popsicle.

Then I came to my office to buy some vegetables…Err…Did I say office? No! Did I say vegetables? Never mind! Both are same. What can be the hottest topic for discussion among the Biharis after the Germany & Argentina match last evening?

“Saala, icy (pronunciation ‘icy’ but means aisi in hindi) futtbol match humne jindagi mein naahi dekha”

There is something about the way you look tonight…takes my breath away…shut up you gay! Don’t ever sing that to me today. Got it!

Madam, go for a short cut!

2006-06-26T17:04:00.000+04:00

My exams have started with the Marketing paper last day. It was good to see the guy sitting next to me looking into others answer sheets more than his own, and a weird smile that he passed whenever he saw me looking at him. I guessed what he was trying to communicate with that smile ‘You know madam, everything has a short cut in life.’

May be he felt I was a bright student, full of confidence or else how could someone enter the examination hall 1 and ½ hours late. The fact remains that the innocence in me didn’t really let me take a detail note of the time written on the exam time table stuck on the notice board which said the exam will start at 11.30 am IST.

Thanks to the invigilator who game me ½ an hour extra to complete the paper. When I busily scribbling down the effectiveness of advertising, I heard him talk to another teacher.

“The students are not at all serious about exams. They are just writing it for sake of writing it. And moreover the teachers correcting the papers always complain that the answer sheets are similar to each other.”

I am sure he must have thought nothing less about me than the guy who sat next to me.

Note: Blogging needs patience and peace of mind (especially at the place you chose to do this). I find it hard to do it in a teashop at Patna junction. If I don’t come up with new posts for a while, please try to understand. Apologies!

“Ek cutting, pani kum!”

2006-06-18T15:44:00.001+04:00

Till date, I had this misconception about Bihari men that they just know how to mentally harass an innocent girl like me, to discuss & finally start arguing about politics of India, to talk about dirty jokes & laugh like hyenas, proudly talk about the number of cows in their house & plots of land they bought on their last visit to their ‘gaun’(village), gossip about Sania Mirza and Rakhi Sawant, but let me tell you they also watch Football.

Remember Tabu in the film Kalapani? There is a scene in which she learns the dialogue of Mohanlal & tries to repeat it. If I am right, it was “An Indian’s back is not a Futtboll.” Whatever the word was in real, footboard or football, she was happy about learning English. Should I say more?

Oh! You have to see the way they say ‘Goal! Goal!’ The excitement on their face easily matches to that of an illiterate Bihari father’s, when his 35-year-old Munnu or Tinku or maybe Rinku has passed his matriculation after his 7th attempt, and that too by secretly blackmailing the invigilators in the examination hall. The excitement says that his son can now take over his milk supply business in village which has been running for long and which he has acquired from his father & his father from his grandfather and so on. He thinks his son can do better business, as he is well educated now.

My imagination is over flowing I guess. How mean of me. Right?

I have to accept that these people are really educated & they all have got degrees/M.B.A s in their CVs. They have got good schools and colleges in Bihar now. I am sure they have the caliber to run any business properly even if it is selling cow dung cakes or managing a poultry farm.

“Hello! How are you?”

“I am fine. How about you?”

“I am ok. How is business?”

My mind speaks- “Are you nuts man? You’re a childhood friend of my boss and you acting as if he doesn’t discuss the business with you? And that too when you keep visiting him everyday to bug him with his work.”

“Well, business is going good.”

“Are you busy? Chatting huh?”

My mind says-“No! I am just typing-I am Mad-1000 times to submit it to the Dubai mental hospital as an application letter to register my name for the enrollment this year.”

“No! Not really!”

Did I tell you that my boss is out of country; he has gone to Australia for 25 days. From the time he has left, the office is similar to a tea stall that you can find in streets or remote villages of India. But since we are in Dubai, and we need to keep up the standard of this city, they have laptops here to watch futtboll matches & to listen to Johnny Lever Jokes on smashits.com or whatever nonsense.

“Hi! How are you?”

“Hi! I am fine”

“So, busy?”

My mind- “Bloody hell! Will you just stop asking me the same question whenever to walk-in to my office?”

“No, tell me.”

“Too much pressure huh?”

My mind- “Don’t you know my boss is not here? Can’t you see my colleagues listening to songs on respective computers? Now stop asking too many questions, I know you are here to gossip & watch the futtboll match.”

“You think so?” (Losing temper)

And now I don’t need to specifically ask you guess the native land of this guy who is trying to test my patience and will soon be rewarded for his hard work.

Phew!

Red Carpet-Row No:10, Seat No: 15

2006-06-17T17:19:00.000+04:00

I went for the IIFA Awards last evening at the Airport Expo Dubai. My seat was exactly 10 rows behind the celebrities, and trust me I didn’t feel anything less than a celebrity.

The show was great no doubt. You must have already read the reviews in newspapers and I guess Star plus will soon telecast the show. I feel happy that I got to witness such a grand function and that too in the red carpet, to see almost all the stars of the Bollywood and a few from the south Indian film industry.

Though I was rolled up in a glittering 5 ½ meter lengthy cloth and there was a guy sitting on my left, I was very comfortable watching the stars perform just 15 steps away from me. Except for the lady sitting on my right staring at my hands/ fingers for whatever reason I couldn’t guess and the guilty feeling in mind for not having the camera with me, not even a pen and paper. Felt helpless. Just the way I felt when I met Aamir Khan last week. We spent the whole night talking to each other, walking together in an unknown place, and I woke up to realize that it was just a dream. Mere black & white sapno ko Rang De Aamir.

Towards the end of show, I felt so drowsy that even Hrithik, dancing on his latest Krishh songs, couldn’t stop my falling eyelids. Being seated very close to the stage, the high volume music and the light effects were too much for my beautiful eyes to get dry and head to ache. I slept off in the car while going back home.

Even naughty kids would look innocent while sleeping with their mouth open. Anyone would love to gently move their chin up to see the lips together.

“I wanted to look mature that’s why I chose this big round red bindiya with sari.”

“Bebo, you know what? You still look like a kid.”

IIFA or Ice Cream?

2006-06-15T11:37:00.000+04:00

Guess what? Biharis want to go for IIFA awards happening here at Dubai. One of them was impatiently looking at the photos of IIFA given in the newspaper.
Bihari: “Dekhu tho zara kaun kaun aaya hai?

Me: “ Kya Bath hai Nehal Bhai? Aapka gaun se koyi aaya hai kya?”

Hyenas howl in chorus.

And he ended up looking at the last page where the names of sponsors are given. What’s next? The telephone rings at the S & R FZE (being one of the many sponsors). Unfortunately, he knows them and he is looking for a free ticket for the show.

“Bebo, IIFA dekhna hai?” Bebo smiles. She gets a smile back too.
“Tickets are 550 Dirhams” Bebo thinks. One Baskin Robbins ice cream=10 dirhams. 30 days a month=300 dirhams Only.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. What is so special about these actors? Anyways we have to watch them in movies right? No big deal”

IIFA cancelled. But did anyone talk about ice cream?

Rewinding 3 hours of day:

1-year-old nephew crawls over me as if he is struggling to cross the Indo-Pak border.
Mom is going to elder sis home for weekend.
Gives me the weirdest look I have seen on her face.

If ever the 5 seconds long stare lasted for 2 more seconds I would have been forced to get out of my bed and convince her “ No Mumma! I am not working with Bin Laden anymore. I am just helping Rehan for the Kashmir freedom.”

Perhaps she wanted to hint me that she is angry for informing her late about the party at college in the evening. We 1st years and 2nd years are giving a farewell party to the 3rd years. Few girls are planning sari for the evening and you know I strongly feel that for parties one should always go for Salwar khameez or anything of that type. It would be so difficult to move around with the 5 and ½ meter long cloth wrapped around you, and the uncomfortable feeling in mind whenever a guy comes and stands on you left side. I would certainly prefer something more comfortable.

“No Darsh! Don’t be jealous now. I know you badly wanted a sari for the party, which you couldn’t plan well and it turned out to be a flop”
“Come on Jaz! I am girl with all feelings like a girl.”

For all who are not aware, Jaz is my best friend and she understands how much I wanted a black chiffon sari with lots of beadwork and embroidery.

“Bebo, First Mix it well then Grind okay”

2006-06-13T10:22:00.002+04:00

The first thing I thought of in the morning was whether it is Monday or Tuesday today. But to my surprise the calendar in my mobile phone said that it’s Wednesday. And I am still wondering how fast this week went by. My exams starting on 24th this month, and I still have to ask my friends if the financial accounting portion has been completed or not. What would Emraan Hashmi feel if he is asked to act in a movie that doesn’t have a smooching scene with the beautiful sexy heroines? Ok forget it. What would Mallika Sherawat feel if she has to do the role of Ma Sita for the Ramayan? Yes, this is exactly what I feel when I think of studying for my exams. I have become so lazy in life. My work and college has always encouraged me to be so. Thanks to them.

Hmmm., I talk about getting bored at my work and it would be complete silence around me for next 10 minutes. I can see the angry face of a person who cares a lot about me and wants me to do something better in life, staring at me with suffocation in his eyes, though wanting to shout at me for not listening to him, will control himself and say ‘ Bebo, please don’t test my level of patience. I have told u so many times to look for a good job. You have no future at your current job.’

Its not that I don’t want to take advices that are served hot and fresh right from the oven. Oops! Right from the heart I mean. I would like to confess something right here right now. I have lost my confidence. I feel I have become useless and can imagine myself to be my mom’s Moulinex mixer & grinder machine that could neither mix nor grind after few years of its membership in our family. I remember she later gave to the repair shop and never got it back. That happened when I was in 7th Std, I guess. I wonder if I can be repaired or not, but please make sure that you collect me back unlike my irresponsible mom.

I can hear him say ‘Bebo, I have extra confidence in you & I am sure you are capable of both mixing and grinding. Please don’t lose faith’

No-mind, No-business, How do they mind their business then?

2006-06-13T10:22:00.000+04:00

I wonder what made him get that thing for me. Well if your wondering what that ‘thing’ is let me tell you, it’s speaker set for my computer at office. I am working here for 1 year and 9 months, and have been listening to songs ever since I joined. I have a LCD monitor with a built in speaker, and I am still wondering what made him buy it, that too for my pc at office? Something weird isn’t it?

I appreciate his idea of getting me this thing (hope you got it this time). But I can’t accept it for the fact that I have very interesting characters around me in my office, always sticking their nose into my affairs. Bihari babus, illiterate fools, self-centered idiots, and what not. I wonder if they really know anything other than politics and cheap non-veg jokes that they keep sharing forgetting their own self and laughing like anything that reminds me nothing less than that of the hyenas (for the dictionary meaning they are a wolf like animal with a howl that sounds like laughter) of the cartoon which is still one of my favorites ‘The lion King’.

I wont say all Biharis would be like this, but the ones I have here are like that. They have good things too in them like any stupids, but at this moment I cant really mention that. I want to abuse them, yes literally abuse them for the sarcastic comments they pass every time I talk on my mobile phone. But I would rather thank them for their humble suggestion that I join a music company and I would work better there (at least they agree that I can work) than at this stupid place where it is difficult to figure out if the guy sitting upstairs in the third cabin from the left side, is looking for his nut or maybe bolt that has fallen accidentally from his head while trying to fix the headset that he primarily uses for his yahoo messenger and rest of the time for listening to those bihari type of ‘Kajra re kajra re’, under his table or is he sleeping behind the monitor. Do you think I should dare to fix a speaker here? So, now I want you make a simple guess about this particular person who thought of a good but not clever gift for me, would certainly be from which northern part of India?