Bitter truths smiling at me

Looking at my blog I feel pity just the way I feel for myself sometimes. Was going through one of my very first posts. What a difference isn’t it? Everything changed. My attitude, outlook, my problems, my Rehan, lifestyle, thoughts, wants everything has changed so much. Now I got only problems to mention on blog. And trust me I am fed up writing about it.

‘Forget everything Bebo! Imagine you are in Rehan’s arms. You can feel heaven.’ I keep telling this to myself when I cannot control my tears at times.

At the moment I have so many thoughts on mind. I cant really sort it priority wise. So let me just type and type and type.

Some things that I noticed and realized thoroughly:

Firstly that I NEVER spoke (wrote) nonsense.

Secondly I AM going through a very bad stage of life which is not at all in my favor. Why I specified this is because I hardly realized or tried to accept my problems as something that is unusual. It always seemed to me as something that I thought happened with everyone else-though not to all but to most. But no! My problems are really strange. There is something seriously wrong with either me or with that man. I thought my love for Rehan was a reason, I thought I didn’t want to accept that man in my life, I thought I was wrong and that my mother was right, I thought things would change with time, I thought I was not capable of convincing people, I thought I just had to eat, work and sleep and life would just move on. Probably that’s where I went wrong.

Thirdly that I am EXTREMELY LONELY and I have NO SUPPORT apart from the people who recognize me as Bebo. Support in the maximum they could give. I appreciate and believe me it really helps me stand alone.

People might thinkof how weak I am, always speaking problems, always crying, always sad. Well, what I wish to tell these people is that I AM sad, situation are making me weak, I cry because it is a relief to me and I speak my problems to you because people who actually should be listening are not ready to listen. I am not blaming but realizing truths, accepting it and putting it down in words for some kind of satisfaction I get out of doing so.

Even when matters were getting worse, things went out of control, I had to face the ruthless (in every sense you could imagine) behavior of that man I did not want to blame anyone for the circumstances. Not even myself. Yes, I certainly didn’t want it this way, though I expected things to be normal and not abnormal. Isn’t it very normal to expect so much atleast?

Feeling much relieved now. The above mentioned are not just some words or lines, it speaks all what I have been carrying like a weight in my heart. Feel like I just spoke to a very close friend. Blogging does help-atleast for Bebo.

Logics....hmmm....

"I dont know why, my logics never work in your case."

His logics didnot work in her case too....

Now.....

Now I wonder if his logics ever worked with anyone.

Or perhaps his logics never existed.

I just dont care...I just dont care...

Just loved this song....Check it out here.

Bebo's gona be fine.

"Hi dear. I read your blog. Dont feel so low. Just not saying it in words doesnt mean he has stopped loving you. Nobody can just stop loving someone. Emotions are not switches which can be turned on and off. Love cant end just like that. He's just not saying it at the moment. Even he's in a new situation now, maybe he's confused as what to do , what to say. Give him some time. and all the time that you give him it'll be very tough for you, but you'll have to be strong. Rehan is yours... He'll always ....."

"Hi Bebo.... Kaisi ho...."

"I love you- not saying those 3 words doesnt mean he doesnt love you any more. Be strong Bebo.... Be very strong dear and I'm here for you."

I might be desperate to listen to those 3 sweet words from the one I love the most...

but the words-from-heart from those who care about me makes me feel as special as I can ever feel. I proudly call them my friends-not just friends but SPECIAL friends.

They know and only wants to know about Bebo and her feelings. Nothing else.

I cannot feel lonely even if I wish to-That says it all.

I need a break..badly..

It is Rehan’s Birthday today. I called him to wish him as soon as I got to office. We spoke for a while and then he called me ‘baby’. I knew he wasn’t calling me. He calls me ‘bebo’ not ‘baby’. I have found myself calling the other man in my life ‘jaan’ on so many occasions on the contrary. See how things are with different people. Anyways for me his happiness is most important and if he is happy with the life he is leading now I am happy too. I have no complains, no hope that he would come back to me, no demands nothing. But I couldn’t understand why he said that he was missing me. I really couldn’t understand.

I am trying a lot to change myself-my outlook towards life. The doctor said that I am mentally fine and I don’t need to expect too much from others. That really clicked my mind. I should not expect. And so these days I have been trying to be quite-talk very less, engage myself completely in work-though I rarely can concentrate, engage a lot in cooking when I reach home and then to avoid the other important thing of married life- I read books so seriously that no one would dare to disturb. You know who NOONE is.

For Rehan's eyes(The eyes that I love):

'Happy Birthday Jaan! Missing you very badly.'

Tere pyar mein aise jiyein hum...

Tu ek baar jo pyaar se mujhko chuley tho har zakhm bhar jayegaa,
Zara ithzaa sun ke dewaane dil ki mujhe apne dilse lagaa...
Tere pyar mein aise jiyein hum,
Jala hain yeh dil....
Yeh ankhen hue Nam..

Bas Ek Pal...

He's gone...Gone far from me....

He refused to say ‘I love you’ for the first time last evening. I am broken. Completely. He went to his hometown for a short leave of 1 week. Met a girl whom his parents chose. He spoke to her and fell in love with her. And got engaged. Now he is back here.

“Jaan, why are you worried? I am just going for a week. Will be back soon na?”

“Jaan, I love you and nothing can change it. You know the truth then why are you worried?”

“Jaana, I love you forever.Will love you always.”

And so many other words that pulled myself towards him in everyway. I could never think of being dishonest to him even if I had to with the other man in my life. Now in a gap of 3 days of knowing that female he is in love with her. And thinks he will be cheating her if he meets me or calls me or even mails me. Main kya bolu? What and how should I explain what I am feeling?

I am finding it really hard to believe that he doesn’t even want to say that he loves me. I really don’t know how to express. I have gone extremes to make him happy and to make him feel that I have always been his Bebo and loves him just the way I loved him and probably a little more. Meeting him, calling him, kissing him, loving him, caring him, hugging him, mailing him everything as I used to do. Wont you call it sick about a female who is literally cheating her husband and not even feeling a bit guilty about it?

The fact is that I love him lot and I never wanted him to feel that I had changed. He is mine. He is a part of me. Who can think of cutting a part of one’s body separate? I could never and will never be able to cut him off from my life. I love with all my heart and soul. This blog itself is a proof of it and it was a promise that I will keep blogging as his Bebo who loves him madly. I am his Bebo. I am still his same Bebo.

A promise that we made each other before my marriage-That we will be there for eachother in all circumstances of life. He assured me that he cannot love any other person in his life apart from me. I thought the same and proved it right to him. Infact proving it right to him, though my love for him is not about proving. But I used to tell him that he being a person whom I know very thoroughly he would not be able to love me once there is another female in his life. I know him in and out. I know he is not as bad as I am. He is good at heart and not a person who knows how to cheat and be dishonest to people who love him. I knew he is going far from me. Very far from me.

As always an escapist-My Rehan-My love of life-Mera jaan-Mera jaanu-My everything. Always ran away from my tough questions. And now I don’t want to demand anything to him. I love him. I mean it with all my heart.

In middle of Nowhere

Once again I find myself standing in middle of nowhere. Not a new place to me. I have started loving the place-Nowhere. A place which gives me shelter and comfort when I feel lonely. When thoughts don’t turn up. When I am lost. When I cannot breathe. I love to be in middle of nowhere. Stuck with nothing. Not lone even though I find no one else there.

Turning into a full time pyscho, forget occassioanl violence or call it hysteria. A person who needs extreme care (occassionally depends on status of mind) to deal with. A person who may not mind hurting you with her nails, tear your shirt, pull your hair or even bite your neck.

I bang the keyboard. I cannot speak. I cannot cry in middle of Invoices and Planning file. I hit hard my palms on the table to say what I wish to say- “Yes! Bloody there is something wrong with me.Something bloody wrong with me.”

I feel lonely. Extremely lonely. Even when I expect to not to feel when I am in middle of Nowhere.

What's wrong with me?

I want to be emotional.
Edit nothing.
Not even emotions.
Type with tears falling countlessly.

I wish I could cry a little more.

People lately have started questioning “What’s wrong?”. No! I donot have an strange birth mark on my forehead like Nish of ‘Sultry Days’. But this is exactly what people ask. Why? What do they find wrong with me? Why do people sense out that something is wrong with me?

“Everytime I talk to you over the phone you sound as if your not happy. What’s wrong?”
Accounts Manager (Main office)

“Hi! Can you tell me if you got the March Price List on your mail?”

Me: “No, I havent received the mail.”

“What’s wrong? Are you ok?”
Product Manager (Main office)

Well, what is wrong with me? I wonder. I cannot guess. Cannot assume.

I am turning mad.That’s all what I can say.

To all who are concerned about me, I met a psychatrist last evening.

Call it counselling or whatever. I am not supposed to over react to anything anymore.

Somebody pls listen...Iam crying out of pain...

What do I say? What am I feeling right now? What I am doing? What am I hearing? What is that I thinking?

I dont know. I just dont know. And the fact is I dont WANT to know.

Rehan got engaged.

My heart split into two. Exactly into equals. Bleeding. Very badly. I knew this wud happen. But I am feeling wat I am feeling and just cant stop feeling that way. My tears, my pain how do I share it? Why should I share it with anyone? How do I explain?

I know nothing except that I am not in my senses and I am typing some nonsense-Nonstop.

Non-stop Non-sense.

The death of this blog is not very far.