Bitter truths smiling at me

Looking at my blog I feel pity just the way I feel for myself sometimes. Was going through one of my very first posts. What a difference isn’t it? Everything changed. My attitude, outlook, my problems, my Rehan, lifestyle, thoughts, wants everything has changed so much. Now I got only problems to mention on blog. And trust me I am fed up writing about it.

‘Forget everything Bebo! Imagine you are in Rehan’s arms. You can feel heaven.’ I keep telling this to myself when I cannot control my tears at times.

At the moment I have so many thoughts on mind. I cant really sort it priority wise. So let me just type and type and type.

Some things that I noticed and realized thoroughly:

Firstly that I NEVER spoke (wrote) nonsense.

Secondly I AM going through a very bad stage of life which is not at all in my favor. Why I specified this is because I hardly realized or tried to accept my problems as something that is unusual. It always seemed to me as something that I thought happened with everyone else-though not to all but to most. But no! My problems are really strange. There is something seriously wrong with either me or with that man. I thought my love for Rehan was a reason, I thought I didn’t want to accept that man in my life, I thought I was wrong and that my mother was right, I thought things would change with time, I thought I was not capable of convincing people, I thought I just had to eat, work and sleep and life would just move on. Probably that’s where I went wrong.

Thirdly that I am EXTREMELY LONELY and I have NO SUPPORT apart from the people who recognize me as Bebo. Support in the maximum they could give. I appreciate and believe me it really helps me stand alone.

People might thinkof how weak I am, always speaking problems, always crying, always sad. Well, what I wish to tell these people is that I AM sad, situation are making me weak, I cry because it is a relief to me and I speak my problems to you because people who actually should be listening are not ready to listen. I am not blaming but realizing truths, accepting it and putting it down in words for some kind of satisfaction I get out of doing so.

Even when matters were getting worse, things went out of control, I had to face the ruthless (in every sense you could imagine) behavior of that man I did not want to blame anyone for the circumstances. Not even myself. Yes, I certainly didn’t want it this way, though I expected things to be normal and not abnormal. Isn’t it very normal to expect so much atleast?

Feeling much relieved now. The above mentioned are not just some words or lines, it speaks all what I have been carrying like a weight in my heart. Feel like I just spoke to a very close friend. Blogging does help-atleast for Bebo.