Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

Tujhe bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na
Kholoon apni baaton main phir is duniya se boloon na
Bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na
Kholoon apni baaton main phir is duniya se boloon na
Main dekhoon main baat karoon tere saath jeeyoon tere saath maroon
Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

Tu aur kissi ka na hona, main jeete jee mar jaaungi
Teri khaatir duniya se ab tanha hi lad jaaungi
Aur kissi ka na hona, main jeete jee mar jaaungi
Teri khaatir duniya se ab tanha hi lad jaaungi
Maine tujhko kahaan piya ye tan-man tere naam kiya
Le teri ho gayi yaar sajna ve sajna

I have always loved this song for two reasons:
1) Sunidhi Chauhan’s amazing & soul touching voice
2) That’s a reflection of my heart.

Now, I don’t need to explain about the beautiful voice of Sunidhi but I will have to explain how the lyrics reflect my heart. I desperately want to do everything the lyrics mentioned above says. Even now, after all expected (yup) changes in my life, I still want to make him mine. Tujhe bhar loon apni aankhon mein, in aankhon ko main kholoon na…See! That’s in my heart. My feelings, my thoughts all you can find out from the lines of this song.

I am missing him so much and these lines are making me go crazy. Kya karu. I cant stop thinking of Rehan. Nothing else is on my mind apart from him, his smile (the curve goes only to one side, slightly bending downwards & its rare), his sweating hands (I love holding it and pressing it to my cheeks to feel his warmth), his teeth arranged in wrong positions (I just melt when he intentionally shows that to me when I am angry with him) and so many things that I love in him. Missing everything. The more I try to go far from him, the more I think of him & miss him.

I know I need to get over this ASAP and once its done I will start writing about everything else happening in my life (apart from Rehan). Until then all please tolerate my Non-Stop Non-Sense.

Only for Rehan’s eyes (The eyes that I love):
Jaan, you promised me you won’t keep your mobile switched off. You know how upset I am these days. Sometimes I speak things that I don’t mean at all. Bebo will go mad if you do that once again. Please…

Stop! Thats the boundary

Yes, I know all have boundaries and so you have it too.....

I guess I walked a lot far crossing my boundaries....Let me go back and let me never return.....

How do I...

Get through one night without you

If I had to live without you

What kind of life would that be?

Oh now I need you in my arms...need you to hold

Your my world my heart my soul

If you ever leave

Baby you'd take away everything good in my life....

Without you....

There'd be no sun in my sky

There would be no love in my life

There would be no world left for me

And I…

Baby I don't know what I would do

I would be lost if I lost you

If you ever leave

Baby you would take away everything real in my life...

And tell me now…

How do I live without you

I want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do I ever ever survive?

How do I… How do I… O how do I live?

If you ever leave...
Baby you would take away everything

Need you with me...

Baby cos you know that your everything good in my life

And tell me now…

How do I live without you

I want to know

How do I breathe without you

If you ever go

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I… How do I… O how do I live..

How do I live without you

How do I live without you baby

How do I live....

Singer: LeAnn Rimes (Also by Trisha Yearwood)

Lage Raho!

Me: “You know what he is coming to meet me after work.”

Rehan: “Why is he coming?”

Me: “What you mean?”

Rehan: “Nothing! My mind is not working. Nothing”

Me: “No! Tell me. What is it? Tell me what you are feeling”

Rehan: “I don’t want you to meet him. Jaana, told you na. I don’t know what I am talking. My mind is not working.”

Me: “Let me see what I can do.”

After that conversation with him, I had only one thought on mind- Somehow cancel the plan of meeting my would be. Poor he! Was busy all day and couldn’t call me even once. I totally understand how much pressure he has at work, I was fishing for a reason and found it.

Me: “The whole day you didn’t even call me once. See I will tell you one thing very clearly. I don’t like anyone treating me this way.”

My fiancé: “But dear you have to understand…I….”

Me: “You can’t just ignore me like that. I can’t keep calling you all the time when you have no time for me. I am going to my flat & I think we better not meet today.”

My fiancé: “Well, what can I say when you are making things complicated. Fine!”

A very selfish me. Can you see it there? How selfish I am? Somehow, I wanted to prove that I care a lot about my Rehan, his feelings even if it means going to any extent.

NEXT:

I call Rehan just to find that he is going out with his friends to watch a movie, that too for the second time-Lage Raho Munnabhai. They were two friends of his & two girls-one his friend’s girl friend and the other her friend.

If he drinks one extra glass of water he calls me up just to inform me that. A person like him did not tell me that he had met these girls even before last evening. Whatever, I had always loved him more when he used to give me daily reports without even asking for it. I am really thankful to his friends who are so very caring about him. They never leave him alone and always keep him busy in the evenings. These keep him free from my thoughts as well. But what I felt is what I want explain here in my blog. That’s the main purpose of blogging isn’t it? I am not blaming him but blaming myself for giving so much of importance to what I should not be. When I know it’s going to end soon, when I know I have to start considering my fiancé, when I know its meaningless to stop him from meeting me, I still behaved in a manner as if someone had forced things on me. I put myself in a situation where I couldn’t do anything but sit quiet & curse myself. I felt left out, lonely and above all a STUPID.

On one side my fiancé who was upset and didn’t want to talk to me. And on other side Rehan with whom I was not in a mood to talk with. All alone I sat on the kitchen floor till 12.30 midnight thinking of what I have been doing with myself. How stupid I act at times, mad & blind at times, silly at times, impractical at times and so on…all questioned & answered by me myself. Felt abandoned.

It’s high time now. I should learn to balance both the sides carefully. Come on Darsh! You knew it even before na?

My mind spoke: “Pehle tumne bayen liya tha aur ab dayen kyun ja rahi ho? Fool you are! You were going in the left direction and now why are you moving in right? Are you blind? You think you are Zooni? Wake up Bebo! Na ye Fanaa hai aur na yahan Rehan hai”

Tera dil main meri sanso ko panah mil jaye,
Tera ishq main meri jaan fanaa hojaye.....

Humka maalum nahi, humka ka karna hai?

Thought a lot on whether I should continue blogging or not. And finally, I decided to continue. But don’t complain if I don’t post for a long time. You know, sometimes it may not be possible for me.

It was such a boring day for me today. My office pc has been taken for formatting and one can imagine how my day went by without raaga/musicindiaonline.com. And Tom cruise didn’t leave the office till 5.30 in the evening. No! Don’t take me wrong, he thinks he is Mr.Cruise. Can’t blame him, I will explain why. I am talking about my Boss, Mr. Bihari Babu.

After the discipline thing (a long story-some other day ok?) today he came up with something else.

Boss: “Darsh, now you have started talking in your mother tongue at office huh? You should talk in a language which we can also understand.”

(NOTE: I have only one collegue at office who talks my language)

Me: (Smiled). “Sir, I don’t speak Bhojpuri.”

Boss: “No! We don’t speak Bhojpuri. Come on!”

Me: “I know Sir, but that’s a typical Bihari slang of hindi.”

He is nuts. Budda Bihari ko kuch kaam hi nahi hai office mein phir bhi baittha hai to peep into my pc and see what I am doing. Well, he is not very old as I have described. But still, have to abuse him in some or the other way na? No lies now- he has got a pot belly, wears only ‘Boss’ branded tight T-shirts and latest trendy jeans-which has got patch works here & there, beach slippers-I am not exaggerating, he wears slippers which has got floral designs on it. Then Hugo Boss sun glasses and uses extra strong gel on hair which I think is the only attempt of his that gives him the confidence of looking like Mr. Cruise. Imagine yaar! Imagine with the background score of M.I. Tight T-shirt & pot belly, beach slippers & sun glass, gel on hair to style spikes in the front & a cigarette in hand (he smokes a lot)-Can you see a smart hunk? Or Tom Cruise in your imagination right now? Yes! That’s my Bihari Boss!

Wana know more about my Bihari collegues?Then read this & this.And maybe this too.

Feeling so light now. Too much for the day, isnt it?

Tumko humra post pasand aaya ki nahi?

Live or Let Die

I will need some feedback/ suggestions from all who reads my blog on a question that’s on my mind for past few weeks now.

It’s been only 3 months since I have started blogging. And I am very happy that I have got few but very good people who motivate me to blog more. Some people whom I have never seen or known. It started off as a source to put across certain feelings, which I thought I could express better in writing than any other way. And it proved right. I can now explain anything and everything with help of words just to convey the exact matter with all emotion and importance. It is such a relief to me. But again, this blog contains all my personal matters, which perhaps none of my friends or any close ones ever knew about me.

Some major changes have taken place in life unexpected and which leaves me blank about everything that’s happening at present. I want to hold every second passing by, want to pause this very moment. I want to be the way I am, I want my Rehan in my life always, and I want to see his smile all the time. Everything just the way it is.

Question: Should this blog remain the way it is, the way I am, his Bebo, smiling, and most importantly unmarried (single)?

The reason for thinking like wise was because I felt if I continue blogging there would many things that are going to be entirely different from what I have been to the people who read my blog. I may not want to post many of the things which may happen in my future life, which may again may upset me. Either I stop blogging and let this blog die on its own or continue blogging without anyone (my close friends or relatives or even my would be) knowing about it. If you want the latter one, then I would prefer being single on the blog forever, the same Bebo who lives in a imaginary world with Rehan, who is really happy and smiling. She may not want to mention about the life she will live in real precisely the married life.

This is what I have been thinking for sometime now and I will continue blogging ONLY when I get honest & convincing suggestions from all who care about me, who understands me and who care to read my blog to know more about me.

Should I ask in particular to leave a comment?