What a loser am I?

I hate to let leave my confidence. I want to screw his life. He should never dare to even think of putting any one else in trouble ever in his life. But lately I have been thinking, practically what is that I can do to him? He has spoiled my life. He loved watching me cry day and night. He enjoyed my romance with my boyfriend. I know now. He is the one. But what is that I can do to him? What did I do even after knowing that it’s him? Just let him do it. Even now let him be good in the eyes of every one else in the family. Let him come to my house and I cook Chinese noodles for him for dinner. Let him screw my life and dump me like garbage into the life of another person.

Forget about everything else. Forget about the past. Right now I am doing nothing else but just acting in front of everyone. Like a doll. Like a puppet I feel. My fiancé, my sisters, my mom all love me more now because I act the way they want. When I got engaged and started understanding the type of person my fiancé is I thought I would never change myself. I thought I will make him accept me the way I am if not today or tomorrow but definitely some day. But no my Jeeju has put me such a bloody situation that it all seems like a challenge to me, to love my fiancé and act in front of him. It sucks. Trust me. It sucks big time. I am just a doll with which everyone would like to play. But where has my confidence gone? I am sure. I can’t do anything. I cannot even give Jeeju a day’s tension in his life. He is great. I admire him now for playing such a clever game with me, with a girl whom he understood very well, whom he knew even if she ever comes to know that it was him, she would not be able to do anything to him. He didn’t even think of the difficulties she had to face leading a young life without the help of her father. He is the real man. A man the world would love. A man my sister loves. A man she thinks is smart and clever. Haha…