Hands Up! Surrender Now!

‘Lord grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
Lord grant me the courage to change what I can change,
Lord grant me the wisdom to distinguish between these two.’

I had it written on a piece of paper and found it last Friday along with a bunch of old papers I had as a collection. After going through the lines I tried to recollect where did I read it and when did I note it down. Thought for a while and left it but then I found an invitation with this piece of paper. I realized it was some day in May 2004 when I was in India for my dad’s funeral & that invitation was for the same. At our place, after the ceremony all invitations are burned away & not kept in hand at any cost but I managed to somehow keep one with me. I still question myself as of why I wanted to keep it. I don’t remember exactly where I read it, but its something that is appropriate even in the present circumstances of my life.

Honestly, those days I never could think of the consequences that tragedy would bring in my life. It was not that I never thought of it, but the mind of a 17-year-old girl who immediately passed out of her 12th grade of school did not possess the ability to differentiate the life that she lived till that particular day and the life she has to live next without a major support.

“Grow up!” “Stop acting like a kid” “You’re a working lady now!” “Be mature!” “Behave yourself!” “You have to listen to us if you want to live with us.” “Act like a women!” “What are you waiting for? You expect someone to help you on this?”

I knew nothing. I was silent and observant. Learnt some, accepted all. Wanted more, asked less.

Me: “Today I don’t have the transport to office.”
Other Side: “So, what can we do about it?”

Me: “Jaz's in Dubai”
Other Side: “No!”

Me: “ Asha’s mum has promised to teach me stitching.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to take license before I get married.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to change my job, I have no future at this work”
Other Side: “No”

Today, I have the maturity to understand and act the way situations demand & I have succeeded through a very difficult phase of my life. But somehow my consciousness pricks me and will always on how cruel I’m to myself, how tough I’m on my feelings, how heartless I’m when it comes to achieving my own happiness, how a deaf I act when I can listen myself crying, how a blind I act when I see myself struggling to adjust, how a dumb I act when positive thoughts turn up to help myself. Surrendered to fate I am living life for sake of living it.

The decisions made from heart can always be changed. On the contrary, the decisions of mind never change. My heart wished for something but I managed to convince it on what will bring the real happiness to me. Convinced completely. No complains. No regrets. No pains. No feelings of any sort. I don’t want the Lord to help me distinguish what I can change & what I cannot because I cannot change MYSELF when I am not MYSELF.