Hands Up! Surrender Now!

‘Lord grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change,
Lord grant me the courage to change what I can change,
Lord grant me the wisdom to distinguish between these two.’

I had it written on a piece of paper and found it last Friday along with a bunch of old papers I had as a collection. After going through the lines I tried to recollect where did I read it and when did I note it down. Thought for a while and left it but then I found an invitation with this piece of paper. I realized it was some day in May 2004 when I was in India for my dad’s funeral & that invitation was for the same. At our place, after the ceremony all invitations are burned away & not kept in hand at any cost but I managed to somehow keep one with me. I still question myself as of why I wanted to keep it. I don’t remember exactly where I read it, but its something that is appropriate even in the present circumstances of my life.

Honestly, those days I never could think of the consequences that tragedy would bring in my life. It was not that I never thought of it, but the mind of a 17-year-old girl who immediately passed out of her 12th grade of school did not possess the ability to differentiate the life that she lived till that particular day and the life she has to live next without a major support.

“Grow up!” “Stop acting like a kid” “You’re a working lady now!” “Be mature!” “Behave yourself!” “You have to listen to us if you want to live with us.” “Act like a women!” “What are you waiting for? You expect someone to help you on this?”

I knew nothing. I was silent and observant. Learnt some, accepted all. Wanted more, asked less.

Me: “Today I don’t have the transport to office.”
Other Side: “So, what can we do about it?”

Me: “Jaz's in Dubai”
Other Side: “No!”

Me: “ Asha’s mum has promised to teach me stitching.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to take license before I get married.”
Other Side: “No”

Me: “I want to change my job, I have no future at this work”
Other Side: “No”

Today, I have the maturity to understand and act the way situations demand & I have succeeded through a very difficult phase of my life. But somehow my consciousness pricks me and will always on how cruel I’m to myself, how tough I’m on my feelings, how heartless I’m when it comes to achieving my own happiness, how a deaf I act when I can listen myself crying, how a blind I act when I see myself struggling to adjust, how a dumb I act when positive thoughts turn up to help myself. Surrendered to fate I am living life for sake of living it.

The decisions made from heart can always be changed. On the contrary, the decisions of mind never change. My heart wished for something but I managed to convince it on what will bring the real happiness to me. Convinced completely. No complains. No regrets. No pains. No feelings of any sort. I don’t want the Lord to help me distinguish what I can change & what I cannot because I cannot change MYSELF when I am not MYSELF.

“Mema, you got a cool collection of Frisbees”

Had a boring weekend with an additional leave on Saturday. I was not feeling good that morning and slept a little late. After one hour of thinking & rethinking I decided not to go to office that day and words like-Bebo just relax at home for a day. You are not taking proper care of yourself. I don’t want you to go to office today etc just made me say:

“Sir, I am not feeling well today. I need a day off.”

Got a little bored in the morning but then it was fine. Watched the cartoon ‘Bambi’ with my niece who is always excited to watch it even though she has seen it more than 75 times. Bambi (well if your wondering it’s a baby reindeer) doesn’t have a mother reindeer and is sad throughout the story when he sees his friends getting the care and love from their moms. Sad isn’t it. Even I felt it. Even my niece felt it. Finally after watching the cartoon twice with all that sympathy feeling over flowing towards the motherless Bambi my niece slept in my arms by evening.

Kids are sweet always. Though I lose my temper sometimes, I have changed a lot in the past one year. And it’s the innocence of my nephew that has helped me change this way. Honestly he is one of the smartest kids I have seen. Something special about him is that every time he looks into my eyes, I feel like he wants to tell me lots of things. No jokes! Unlike other children I have seen till date, he is very expressive. If he likes 3 things in the world it would be:

1) My attractive Nokia 9300 communicator (you can call it fridge or brick)
2) My CD collections (He thinks those are Frisbees that he saw Ash playing with in the Lux Advertisement.).
3) Drink water and more water.

I wish life was that easy for me just the way it is for him. I really need to learn to control the unwanted thoughts that I generally entertain a lot. Advice me if you think I should join the Art of Living classes immediately.

Leave me alone!

For the past few days I have been thinking a lot. I am very much disturbed mentally, I have started speaking things that I don’t mean, I have no control on my tears feel like there is a heavy stone stuck in my throat and I am unable to swallow it, I forget that I am in an office, I am not feeling comfortable talking to my friends.

I am not happy, but this what I chose to be. Nobody has anything to do with what I decided. I wanted this to happen and I have to face it alone.

I don’t know how I am going to deal with the new relation I have put myself into. I try to stop thinking about these but somehow…..

Never imagined that somebody can influence me so much in life. Right now I just wish I could be so busy that I don’t get the time for any thoughts.

Saala kuch kaam hi nahi hai tho hum ka kare?

I wonder why access to my blog was not blocked. If you notice I have clearly abused the famous illiterate community of India openly on this blog. Now, I am not really proud of being a part of the most literate community of India ok. No ways!

But I guess the degrees (secret ok-don’t tell anyone-only between you & me- its all duplicate ones) on their CV are making a good impact on the people who interview them. Yeah, I meant to say few are moving out looking for better opportunities to dig high standard, modern structural graves for some reputed companies of Dubai.

They have started getting bored at office these days. They don’t joke around much; the consumption level of tea/ coffee & ‘biscoot’ (Bihari slang) has dropped off tremendously in past one month. They depend solely on Johnny Lever for entertainment purpose, though they had a good time watching the ‘Laughter Challenge’ a day back.

One Bihari: “Akhtar Bhai ka style hai! Naya chashma hai ka?”

Me: “Kahan se churaya aapne?”

Akhtar bhai: “Nahi chotti. Dehaj mein mila tha”

My boss won’t come to the office today and that means download-the-2nd-part-of-Laughter-Challenge-laugh-whistle-shout-and-irritate-the-innocent-girl-in-the-next-room. (Can’t you guess from the word ‘innocent’, its me). Well, something is better than nothing right and if they don’t talk then I can imagine, this place would be silent like a mortuary.

I still need to kill another 45 minutes so that I can relax in the traffic for 1 hour while going back home. Honestly, I am getting bored too and when I don’t have any work to do I start thinking what I don’t want to think.

I still wish…

Nothing went wrong. Everything was perfect.

I can’t explain in words what I was going through when they arrived. He wanted to talk to me in person and was in my room for a while. I was listening to some songs on my Zen when he walked in. He repeated certain questions out of nervousness I guess.

The final question was “What is your opinion? Do you like me?”

Neither he had thick moustache nor he had big belly. This time even the horoscopes played a safe game.

I thought of that someone special in my life, how much I love him, how much he means to me, how much I care for him, how much I can understand his feelings and his situation and then, said yes.

I hope things should be fine in matter of 2-3 days. I just need to make up my mind & be firm about what I really want do in life right now. I want to be independent and for that this is the only option left for me.

“Bebo, whatever has to happen will happen.”

Should I smile tomorrow?

Why do I fear so much of the disaster that I know will happen anytime?

I need to face it and I have decided to face it. I don’t find even the silliest of reason in waiting for what I wish. I need to move on.

Things may or may not be same after a day.

Tomorrow, I hope the guy wont like my nose ring and will reject me or else I hope he has a thick & long moustache so that the ball falls in my court.

“Bebo I have always noticed. Its not that you cant understand me, but you don’t want to understand me.”

Ok let's make a deal- You take my hummer, I take your phone.

Exams are over means evening classes at college over means Sit-at-home-get-bored-pull-your-niece’s-hair-make-her-cry-make-silly-faces-at-her-she cries-more-you-may-feel-ashamed-of-yourself-but-never-mind.

Sometimes people don’t realize how annoying they are to others when it comes to keeping themselves busy doing silly stuff & this happens when one has nothing do apart from finding new methods of killing time even if it is like disturbing the maid who is cooking in the kitchen by giving a 100 missed calls.

For whatever reason I don’t know why, I felt my 1 yr old nephew wanted to speak out so many things to me on his every 2 minutes visit to my room. Was he trying to tell me “Mema (means mom’s sis in one of the south Indian languages) please tell my mum that I don’t like that mixture of boiled vegetables and rice she forces on me everyday” Or was it like “Mema don’t worry, I know your getting bored like me. Just wait till I get my black hummer and I will take you to the Jimmy Dix for sure. Trust me!” He wanted my cell phone to play with- he looked at me-then looked at my cell- he looked at me again- then looked at my cell.

His mind spoke-“ Ok, this lady wont let me touch it. Forget about taking her out I wont even let her take a glance of my hummer.”

10:00 pm

Tring Tring

“Hellow”

“Hello. How are you?”

“I am fine and you?”

“I am fine too. What are you doing?”

My mind spoke- “What do want to listen to? Should I tell you that I have got only 3 boring TV channels at home & I am really fed up playing games on pc? Neither I play pool nor do I go to discos. So, it was obvious that I was at home, safe listening to songs on my new Ipod. Okay! Okay! Creative Zen. Happy?

“Me? (Paused for while) I am having a beer.” (Dont take that now. I dont drink.)

“What? Beer?”

“Ya! What is wrong in it?”

“You said you had it only once.”

“Ya! So? I just had one.”

“ What made you have it now?”

@#$*&-#%@&*#^$+!

“ I am feeling so sleepy after having this (beer). May sleep at anytime.”

Cheers!

Happy-Muah-Birthday-Muah!

I don’t understand why people celebrate their Birthdays. When someone gets old by one year, he or she should be sad about it and not celebrating and partying.

I guess, its time for me start acting like a grown up now. No doubt, you got me right. I just need to act and act well. Being 20 (on July 8th) is not a big deal but acting 20 is really a big thing.

Did I mention about the close-yours-eyes-to-price-tag idea I adopted while shopping for my birthday this time? Hmmm…spending 125 bucks (no I am not talking about Rupees okay) for an attractive flat sandal was not bad but looking short on birthday was not a great feeling too.

No matter what, it was a special day for me, more than how much I thought of the day I watched ‘Rang de Basanti’. Well, it has to be special, especially when there is someone trying to copy the Emraan Hashmi-style-of-doing-anything to wish me ‘Happy-Muah-Birthday-Muah’ at the very first minute of me turning 20 years old.

I felt there is nothing particular about cutting cake on birthday, so I thought of cutting an ice cream.

“No! No! I will cut a cake only if it has 20 candles on it.” (That is what actually happened)

Birthday gift-An Ipod. Now I can listen to guitar fantasy instead of mom’s Mahabarath at home.

“Bebo, how many times I have to tell you, it is not an Ipod. It is Creative Zen.”

Brazil Vs Financial Accounting

Brazil lost the World Cup Football Match 2006 and I lost the Financial Accounting paper. Next England lost & I look forward to the Cost Accounting. Attempting the Financial paper was the good & sincere student in me. The sincerity let me finish the exam in 1 hour & the goodness let me wait for another 1 hour in the examination hall.

That 1-hour took me back to the farewell party at my school. Our vice principal recited a poem of her own, and we had no choice but to wait patiently till she finishes. The examination hall and the party had two things in common.

1) Silence & helplessness
2) The chair was exactly the same

Sitting on that chair was painful for 3 years at school, imagine sitting on it stiff & quietly listening to someone pouring out her inner most feelings in a typical mallu way of reciting poems, stretching the words & a pale look on face due to lack of breath between lines.

I had enough of time to read the instructions for students printed behind the hall ticket & it helped me build confidence to ask the teacher if I could leave the hall. As I expected she replied:

“We generally don’t let the students leave early. You wait till 12.30. Ok”

“But ma’am this hall ticket says that the student can leave the examination hall after 30 minutes from commencement of the exam”

Her mind spoke- “What is wrong with you girl? You want to put me in trouble?”

“Ok ok! If it’s urgent you may leave”

Will never forget that day- The most horrible exam I have given in my life & the noodles I had that day for lunch.(I didn’t really have it completely)

Bebo hates peanuts & peanuts in noodles. Yuck!

A Saturday that I have cursed

This is one day in every month I get annoyed for all nothings. If anyone knows what ‘Bread & Jam’ means, then that’s it. I get easily irritated even if it’s Elton John singing ‘Something about the way you look tonight’ as a ringing tone on my cell phone.

It was a bad start this morning. I hate that man in the supermarket, who was lost in some thought when I asked him if they had colorful ice creams. I did explain you know what I mean? Strawberry or mango flavored ones. He must have left the water tap open in his toilet before leaving home. Or maybe he was drunk the whole day yesterday (being Friday-Bachelors Day in Dubai) and was wondering if he called up his childhood sweetheart who stays at Sharjah with her husband & 4 kids instead of his wife back in Kerala. Or maybe he swallowed a half chewed half boiled egg to realize that he forgot to brush his teeth. Whatever, I wish him a happy divorced wife…oops sorry life! Thanks to my tummy pain that didn’t make me want to smoke Marlboro lights instead of having a Popsicle.

Then I came to my office to buy some vegetables…Err…Did I say office? No! Did I say vegetables? Never mind! Both are same. What can be the hottest topic for discussion among the Biharis after the Germany & Argentina match last evening?

“Saala, icy (pronunciation ‘icy’ but means aisi in hindi) futtbol match humne jindagi mein naahi dekha”

There is something about the way you look tonight…takes my breath away…shut up you gay! Don’t ever sing that to me today. Got it!